|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Wednesday is National Handwriting Day … make yourself a note … in cursive ... like
your Granny was watching.
Morton Trubletoof had his meat smoker with two pork shoulders going all Saturday.
Sunday, he shredded the meat and made pulled pork. It was good, but it didn’t taste
like pulled pork. He figured since he asked the butcher to find him a hog with tired
strained shoulders, it would smoke into pulled pork.
We had company coming so Punkin wanted to have something besides sweet tea to
serve. She bought some Deeters Ginger Ale from Smartins Grocers. It’s mighty tasty stuff,
specially when you figure in the price of a 2-liter bottle is 50 cents. Deeters’ motto is,
“When you truly care about quality for your guests … but don’t have the money, then
try Deeters Ginger Ale. Deeters; it’ll get the job done.”
A fire truck salesman from Mena, Arkansas was in town last week meeting with the
Mayor and city council members. They were getting close to agreeing on the cost of a
hook and ladder that Bernie Ash brought to demonstrate.
A fire alarm sounded. It was the Mayor’s barn. There was a quick vote and the Mayor
handed Bernie cash for the city’s newest fire truck. Mayor Ringer and the council
members jumped on the shiny rig and took off toward his Honor’s homestead. The
Mayor drove; he’s the Mayor.
Turned out, it was brush burning behind the barn, nothing damaged. The Mayor got
to hold the hose; he’s the Mayor. During the excitement, Bernie Ash strolled over to
Maude and Freddy’s Come-On-Give-Us-One-More-Chance Diner and enjoyed himself a
steak dinner, baked potato, salad, bread sticks, coffee, and a slab of hot apple pie made
Maude said that he looked like he really enjoyed his food cause he was smiling and
laughing through the whole meal. By the time, the brush fire was out, Bernie Ash was
ten miles out of town, heading home, after stopping to bury the empty can of gasoline.
My Pappy told me that his Granny was a firm believer that folks could stay healthy,
if they was regular. He said, “Granny performed so many purgatives that she had a
concealed carry license.”
Mumford Pickens says, “Here’s a tip for budding auto mechanics. You can find a book
in the library on how to manage an oil change. It’s in the Nonfriction section.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.