|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
It’s my birthday this Wednesday. I apologize for giving such short notice to buy something for me or ship a nice gift. If you
send me an e-mail, I’ll give you my address. The present doesn’t have to be too fancy or expensive, but if it is, I won’t hurt your
feelings by not accepting it.
My upcoming age change had me thinking about the woods we ran in when we was all kids. I still play in the woods but
I don’t run anymore. Even the bears just walk now. The forest and streams are so full of bear food that they take it easy. It gives
the bears more quality time to spend with their families. A few of them have hobbies. Their favorite hobby is beekeeping.
When our children were tiny and getting too loud and rowdy, Punkin would ask, “Why don’t you fetch the kids for a walk in
the woods? Get em outta the house, so I can have some peace.”
They’d be scratching at the door. The dog taught em to do that. They said good-bye to their mommy, and we were gone.
Punkin would wave at us from the screen door and yell, “Clet, remember … you gotta bring the children back with you.”
Miss Hogspore Tasting Bee is coming up this weekend. Most of the townsfolk are gonna be presenting their homemade
kitchen creations in the Town Rectangle. Morton Trubletoof is excited cause he really likes honey. He said, “I wouldn’t mind
nibbling on a mess of bees, if it meant I got some honey too.”
I’m glad I didn’t grow up in Florida. It’s mostly flat so there ain’t a lotta hills there. There’s no place to roll, cept for getting
sick, going down hill, and finally rolling into Marble Town.
Mumford Pickens has some trivia about Abraham Lincoln: “He was born in a log cabin. He invented the toys, Lincoln Logs,
whilst living in The White House. Abe was using the indoor water closet when he come up with the toy logs. In honor of that
incident, a sculptor fashioned The Lincoln Monument with the tall guy sitting down.”
Waiters in the metropolis of Mena, Arkansas are worried that Canadian tourists will boycott their restaurants.
Without the 51st state, there go the big tippers.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.