| The Funniest Newspaper Column in the Country Hogspore News National Society of Newspaper Columnists 2008 First Place Humor Column |
| 12-10-2018 Hogspore News from the Ozarks By Clet Litter The Tribute to Fresh Fruit and Granulated Sugar starts on Friday. It’s a three-day celerbration of sweet appreciation. There will be a display of ripe fruit on the courthouse steps. The granulated sugar bags statue will be inside, in case of inclement weather. If you think inclement is too fancy a word, here are some substitutes: brutal, cold, foul, hard, harsh, raw, rough, rugged, severe, stormy, and violent. This year the Mayor will emcee the All-You-Can-Eat Taffy function. The winner won’t be the one who eats the most candy. It will be the contestant with the highest glucose score. If there’s a tie, both contenders will each put away a dozen doughnuts and have their glucose levels retested. In the event of a further draw, then the Mayor wins. The prize is a year’s worth of treacle and a free funeral plot in Hogspore Forever Acres Memorial Gardens and Soccer Fields. Madam Stinger’s sign out on Highway 71 says that she can read your past and future. She also sees the present, but she throws that in for nothing. She receives her visions throughout the day, except on weekends, which she spends with her family and friends on this planet. Sometimes, she will miss a vision cause she’s already receiving another message at the same time. She said, “My mother had the gift of receiving more than one tidings from the other world alongside each other. She told me that I would probably grow into that talent, as I got older. I’m can’t wait to cultivate the aptitude for Trance Waiting.” Mumford Pickens says, “Being famous without being rich is worthless. If you’re celerbrated, but poor, folks will still recognize you, come up to talk at you, and snag your autograph. If you did something bad or stupid to get in the public’s eye, they’ll also yell at you. You can’t go out in public without somebody bothering you. The only thing good about being famous and penniless is that everybody knows when you die.” Here’s some advice for your December getaway plans. It’s a pitiful decision to drive 12 hours to visit relatives that you don’t like. You can contact Clet Litter at bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com. WWW.Hogspore.com Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff. Contact: BobSimpson1947@yahoo.com Largo, Florida 727-596-3458 |
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