|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Pie Week in Hogspore next Friday
Pie Week starts on Friday. Mayor Ringer got a lotta requests to start the pie judging on
Day 1. The Mayor won his first term years ago with the platform, “Dessert First.”
So, on Friday the lovely contestants, not the bakers, will sit on the sacred display table
in front of the courthouse with the official silver tasting tablespoon. Real pie lovers
ain’t fork people. The Mayor digs into the pans at 1 PM.
Mumford Pickens is furnishing a mason jar of untaxed whiskey for the judge’s use
in washing his taste buds. His Honor’s secretary fills in when he fills up and has to go
stretch out for a nap at 2:30.
I got a friend who thinks he’s a hippie, but only on the weekends. He don’t do
anything recreationally illegal, but he does plow through four boxes of weekend
wine of whatever’s on sale. That’s the brand of his adult berry juice, “Whatever’s
On Sale.” I ain’t giving his name, cause he works a forty-hour week at an insurance
office and has a wife with 10 children to raise. He don’t want the fame. I didn’t give
away who he is cause we have more local insurance offices than bars, or even churches.
I seen him Sunday afternoon. He was wearing a bandanna and everything was groovy.
He was barefoot, sporting paisley bell-bottom pants, and a T-shirt. His weekend was
wineing down and he had purple stains on his shirt. He said, “Far out, but I’m cool with
that. Dude, it’s my Tie-Wine-Dye T-shirt. If I can’t say that three times fast, then I stop
The Generic Feminine Protection Factory on Clear Creek is closing for the month of
February. This is a 28-day period for the annual employees’ vacation. No one will be
there except for a cleaning crew for a few days to tie up loose ends.
When Punkin asks a question that I don’t know, I can’t say, “I don’t know.”
That just leads to another question like, “Why don’t you know?”
The trick is to have a reply that don’t make sense, since she’ll walk out shaking her
head and muttering. This morning, she asked me why I don’t practice portion control
My true answer woulda been, “I do practice portion control. My portions are big
enough, so I’m not hungry when my breakfast is over.” The snappy comeback that I
really give was, “I need to keep my energy up; I do a lot of thinking.” She walked off,
shaking her head and muttering, but this time I heard what she said. She musta been
a tugboat captain in a past life.
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.