|The Somewhat Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Known World.
The Hogspore News
By Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Ebben Flow from the Hogspore Water Department completed his annual review of Clear Creek.
“All the tests were normal. The wildlife living in the area and all the fish appear to be in fine shape and
somewhat tasty. The frogs are doing great. Even the tadpoles are mighty motile.” Ebben also teaches a
class at the middle school on Wildlife Reproduction.
He added, “I conducted several observations throughout the month of June. I want to assure all
the good citizens of Hogspore, and most of the bad ones, that Clear Creek continues to move downhill
as gravity apparently dictates.”
During the city meeting, Ebben Flow denied an accusation from the audience that his month-long
water study had actually been a city-paid fishing vacation.
Mumford Pickens was telling me about a TV show. “I like to watch the public broadcasting channel
while I’m cooking my solar-powered still all day. Yesterday, I took in a documentary on burritos. They
were the first hand-held prepared food in Mexico. Grasshoppers were the first unprepared hand-held
food. Some say grasshoppers taste a lot like young locusts.
The Aztec women hated to wash dishes, mostly cause their clay plates usually melted in the
dishwater. This doesn’t mean that Aztec men liked to clean the plates, although they never did mind
drying any that had not disappeared.
The women would roll up a tortilla with mashed beans. There was some confusion for a while
until everybody figured out not to roll the beans up in a tortoise.
I knew the show was ending when the director of The History of Burrito Making yelled,
‘That’s a wrap.”’
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