| The Funniest Newspaper Column in the Country Hogspore News National Society of Newspaper Columnists 2008 First Place Humor Column |
| 12-09-2019 Hogspore News By Clet Litter from the Ozarks Jimmy Suspenders has an “Aha Moment” Jimmy Suspenders had what Oprah calls an “Aha Moment,” or what we call in town, a “Well, I’ll Be Derned Pause.” Jimmy said, “My wife is the boss of the house. Sara’s always been against any of my ideas, like what farm to buy, what couch to choose, or whether I sleep in the doghouse. I never give it no never-mind cause she’s usually right. But, for over a month, Sara’s been onboard with anything I wanted to do. Finally, we sat down last night and I asked her to say No again, on a regular basis, just to keep me in line.” Morton Trubletoof has a household tip from when he also had himself a “Well, I’ll Be Derned Pause.” He said, “If you want to store a shower curtain and you’re trying to keep sharp creases on the folds, the proper tool to use ain’t a hot steam iron.” We have the annual Bird Calling Competition this Saturday. The Mayor didn’t publish a list of the contestants. He thought he’d generate more interest if there was some mystery about what was gonna happened. He did let on that there would be the usual owl and red-winged blackbird entries, but he also hinted about an ostrich roar and a penguin growl. A penguin growl sounds sorta like a truck that don’t start, but I couldn’t find any info about what make or year of truck. Hogspore’s Tribute to Fresh Fruit and Granulated Sugar is this Friday. The big draw will be a three hundred pound papaya grown in a greenhouse by Bronson Fortney. He won’t be there to enjoy it. Apparently, the late Mr. Fortney was standing under the tree when the ponderous papaya decided it was ready for harvesting. He never had time for a “Well, I’ll Be Derned Pause.” He had a “Permanent Papaya Pause.” International news: Scientists in Russia discovered a frozen prehistoric puppy. Course, all puppies are somewhat prehistoric since none of em can read. There’s some talk that showbiz Lassie mighta been able to read, but he/she learned to move her/his mouth while he/she was pretending to take it in. She/he actually only chewed the book. The white coat fellers think the ancient mutt might be 18,000 years old. That’s 126,000 in dog years. The scientists also found a small bag in the ice made from reindeer hide, full of petrified puppy poop, which a caveman probably carried while taking the little feller out for a walk. Hardy Barkins was complaining, “I got thrown out of whittling school for cutting class.” You can contact Clet Litter at bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com. WWW.Hogspore.com Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff. Contact: BobSimpson1947@yahoo.com Largo, Florida 727-596-3458 |
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