| The Funniest Newspaper Column in the Country Hogspore News National Society of Newspaper Columnists 2008 First Place Humor Column |
| 01-13-2020 Hogspore News By Clet Litter from the Ozarks Old man Grimely has so much money that he’s shopping for a deluxe recliner for his TV room. He’s going for the model with a seat warmer, a storage drawer for the Remote Control, (Remote Control is capitalized out of respect), a reading light, a telephone, a fully functioning toilet, and a built-in-staging area. Grimely won’t say how he will use the staging area feature, but he did add, “What happens in a man’s recliner stays in a man’s recliner.” National News: Fewer folks are drinking brand-name milk products, plus some have switched to swigging soy milk, almond milk, and acorn milk. Some vegetarians like to dip their kale chips in spinach milk. I added a couple of sentences first in order for you to prepare to hear the bad report. Borden’s Milk is filing for bankruptcy. Elsie the cow and her herd ship out to an Argentina concern and return to the United States next month to a grateful U.S. hamburger conglomerate. Elmer, Elsie’s husband, is gonna stick it out here in this country. He plans to stay home, glued to the television set. I was watching a documentary on the West last night. My great Grandpappy kept bookshelves of western paperbacks and coffee table books with pictures of Indians. He shoulda called them Native Americans. He even rode an Indian motorcycle as a courier in the Great War, but it was really World War One. Great Grandpappy admired the Native American way of life. He shoulda said lifestyle. I figured that he woulda liked to watch the show, so I decided that, even though he was in heaven, (he preferred the Happy Hunting Grounds), he could still be here with me, enjoying himself. He even got to chuckling that the narrator was a feller named Peter Coyote. The film showed a lot of injustice back in the 1800’s. That kinda stuff is all behind us now. Mumford Pickens says, “The original people to live here should be designated Pangeans cause the land mass was Pangea. So, Native Americans are all kinfolks who were born here after it became America. Since most of us are Native Americans, now we can get along with each other. But, don’t mention any of this at a political rally or if you are running for office. Actually, you probably shouldn’t bring it up anywhere … ever. ” You can contact Clet Litter at bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com. WWW.Hogspore.com Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff. Contact: BobSimpson1947@yahoo.com Largo, Florida 727-596-3458 |
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