| The Funniest Newspaper Column in the Country Hogspore News National Society of Newspaper Columnists 2008 First Place Humor Column |
| 07-15-2019 Hogspore News By Clet Litter from the Ozarks Bluegrass band plays at pancake breakfast The smart folks on Saturday were at Duncan Winslow’s Annual Pancake Breakfast. Short Stacks, the bluegrass band, was playing whilst customers were pushing down hot syrupy buttery pancakes. The group played some of their oldies, including their two biggest hits, I’ll Flip Flap You, Till You Say You Love Me and that old blues tune, Please Don’t Take the Buttermilk Batter With You, Jemima. Hardy Barkins has a part-time job erecting fences. He still works full-time at Bickum’s Hardware, so this is only a side job for him. He’s not finding a lot of customers that just want the side of their property fenced in. In Georgia, an armored truck’s door accidentally opened, letting loose cash on the freeway. Drivers stopped their cars and ran out to gather the money. The authorities advised everyone to return the loot. Good luck with that one. Something happened like this in Hogspore a few years back when Donald’s Doughnut Delivery truck tipped over on Highway 71. The hordes jumped outta their trucks and off their mules to run out onto the gooey pavement to scoop the pastries. Even three road-kill chefs, who always carry spatulas, scraped up the runned-over doughnuts. The jelly doughnuts never had a chance. Raspberry jelly was dripping from trees and billboards for miles after four lumber haulers come running on through there. We got a petition circulating through town to ban noisy fireworks that harm dogs’ ears and frighten children. Trouble is, no dogs have signed the proposition, and the kids are too young to write their names yet. There’re some towns that already outlaw the boom from them sky bursts. These new laws are like a winter rain in Colorado, another slippery slope. The next law will target animals. We’ll have noiseless pets in the city and suburbs, so we won’t disturb fussy babies and grumpy napping adults. A silent dog could be dangerous to an unaware letter carrier. No more yelling and cheering at football games. Even the quarterback has to sign his calls to the center and hope the center don’t start laughing from getting tickled. No more umpire or referee whistles. The officials are gonna be qualified mimes. Outdoor rock concerts will only have individual earphones for each fan. It’s mandatory to use a silencer for any gun used in a domestic violence incident. There won’t be any sirens on ambulances or fire trucks or Shriner’s parade kiddie cars. You can contact Clet Litter at bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com. WWW.Hogspore.com Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff. Contact: BobSimpson1947@yahoo.com Largo, Florida 727-596-3458 |
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