|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Bluegrass band plays at pancake breakfast
The smart folks on Saturday were at Duncan Winslow’s Annual Pancake Breakfast. Short
Stacks, the bluegrass band, was playing whilst customers were pushing down hot syrupy
buttery pancakes. The group played some of their oldies, including their two biggest hits,
I’ll Flip Flap You, Till You Say You Love Me and that old blues tune, Please Don’t Take the
Buttermilk Batter With You, Jemima.
Hardy Barkins has a part-time job erecting fences. He still works full-time at Bickum’s
Hardware, so this is only a side job for him. He’s not finding a lot of customers that just want
the side of their property fenced in.
In Georgia, an armored truck’s door accidentally opened, letting loose cash on the freeway.
Drivers stopped their cars and ran out to gather the money. The authorities advised everyone
to return the loot. Good luck with that one.
Something happened like this in Hogspore a few years back when Donald’s Doughnut
Delivery truck tipped over on Highway 71. The hordes jumped outta their trucks and off their
mules to run out onto the gooey pavement to scoop the pastries. Even three road-kill chefs,
who always carry spatulas, scraped up the runned-over doughnuts.
The jelly doughnuts never had a chance. Raspberry jelly was dripping from trees and
billboards for miles after four lumber haulers come running on through there.
We got a petition circulating through town to ban noisy fireworks that harm dogs’ ears and
frighten children. Trouble is, no dogs have signed the proposition, and the kids are too young
to write their names yet.
There’re some towns that already outlaw the boom from them sky bursts. These new
laws are like a winter rain in Colorado, another slippery slope. The next law will target animals.
We’ll have noiseless pets in the city and suburbs, so we won’t disturb fussy babies and grumpy
napping adults. A silent dog could be dangerous to an unaware letter carrier.
No more yelling and cheering at football games. Even the quarterback has to sign his calls to
the center and hope the center don’t start laughing from getting tickled. No more umpire or
referee whistles. The officials are gonna be qualified mimes.
Outdoor rock concerts will only have individual earphones for each fan. It’s mandatory to
use a silencer for any gun used in a domestic violence incident. There won’t be any sirens on
ambulances or fire trucks or Shriner’s parade kiddie cars.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.