|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Archaeologists in England discovered a bunch of relics in a grave from the 1500s. Right off, they
thought it was just coal, but DNA tests said they was the rock-hard bones of a team of jesters from the
court of King Henry the Eighth. The bones of the jokers were Fossil Fools.
Turns out the jesters weren’t funny. The diggers found writing on the crypt walls of the doomed
comedians. “Nobody laughed at us, and it got real quiet. Maybe, we should not have made fun of the
king’s six wives. Tough Tomb.”
I outta get some credit for not setting in a joke about funny bones.
Morton Trubletoof heard that the Forrest Service was gonna cut down one of his favorite trees,
so he scaled up the marked Pine and chained himself to a big ol limb. He stayed up there for two days,
but nobody ever showed up to chop down his new home.
The evergreen he wanted to protect disappeared while Morton was sitting in another one,
four miles away. He told me, “Clet, I shimmied up the nursing home for old squirrels cause there
was the sign posted on it.
I rechecked that sign. I probably shoulda read it the first time, before I camped out in the limbs.
Turns out, what I climbed up was a fake fir cell phone tower.”
Hardy Barkins has a gang of young turkeys getting fat. You can still place your order for a well-
dressed bird for Thanksgiving morning. The last day to reserve a Tom is tomorrow, cause come
Wednesday, them birds is gonna line up to rest their heads on Hardy’s Thanksgiving tree stump
pillow out back.
Sara Suspenders joined a book club for married women. She’s reading a new book called,
“Women are from Venus and Men are Just Stupid.”
Mumford Pickens has a solution to end the political sex scandals. “Only elect eunuchs to office.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on my e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.