|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, new rodeo event
This Friday, The Equally Challenged Rodeo is coming for the weekend. This matches
cowpokes to animals that have similar strengths and weaknesses. This year’s new offering is
the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Event. The riders have problems with counting tiles on a
ceiling or the number of steps to everywhere. The matching animals are bulls that paw the
ground with each hoof the same amount of times.
During practice sessions, one rider caused a delay while sitting on his bull still in the chute. He
kept testing the bull rope repeatedly for two hours to make sure that it was tight. This was the
cowboy who couldn’t climb into his truck cause it was completely full of bundles of Sweet N
Low packets and all his school homework since the first grade.
Widow Fenster is dating again. She’s been entertaining a gentleman caller. She lives in
Larry’s Assisted Living Facility and Funeral Home, so she usually sees the beau in the
community parlor. Nobody knows much about him cept that he’s a retired estate-planning
The Widow is the mother of Mayor Ringer, so he’s worried that this feller might be trying to
persuade his momma to change her will and disown her son. Sheriff Combover is handing out
daily parking tickets to this feller till he decides to leave town.
The Mayor has been re-elected for every term since 1998 cause he has something on every
citizen, even incriminating photos of babies. The boys at the barbershop all have their money
on the Mayor to win this one.
We had a powerful thunderstorm last night. The sky was crackling with lightning. It looked
like the fourth of July in a town with a wealthy tax base. It was so bad that me and Punkin
heard our farm stock kicking up a ruckus out back. Great, now I have to repair a broken
Punkin wanted to bring the critters inside to calm their nerves. Even though they’re more like
family, I don’t want them in the house.
The compromise was that I had to sleep in the barn with them. My mule was the most
nervous. I tried to coax Sammule into being brave for all the smaller pets. I draped him with
his favorite blanket and that eased some of his fears. Once I started quoting passages from a
Tony Robbins self-help book, Sammule agreed to relax, if I would just stop reading to him.
The only animal that wasn’t ruffled was our pig. We haven’t named the pig since her final
address is the smokehouse. Maybe that’s why she’s depressed. She saw me chopping wood
for the smokehouse. She stopped eating, so she wouldn’t gain any more weight. I haven’t got
the heart to tell her that I have always favored smoked bacon, ham, and pork chops,
somewhat on the lean side.
Hardy Barkins says, “I don’t drink too much. I’m just an alcohol enthusiast.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.