| The Funniest Newspaper Column in the Country Hogspore News National Society of Newspaper Columnists 2008 First Place Humor Column |
| 10-15-2018 Hogspore News from the Ozarks By Clet Litter Me and Punkin took in the Little Miss Hogspore Pageant Saturday, but it’s getting too commercial. There was even a red carpet at the entrance to the high school auditorium, not so much a carpet as two cans of red paint slapped onto the sidewalk Friday morning. It was kinda creepy seeing them 9-year-old girls posing on the somewhat dry red paint. Once everyone got into the assembly hall and stopped fidgeting in the low-bid auditorium seats, the show returned to normal. Cherokee Acorn won the gold-like tiara with her mother’s designed dress and her performance in the talent portion of the contest. She wowed the crowd with her ventriloquism act. Her dummy wore a black beret with white gloves and mime face. Marcelle pretended to walk down stairs, played an on-the-scene reporter in a hurricane, and pulled an imaginary rope. The public was as speechless as Mimey Boy, when he proceeded to run in slow motion and then hit a wall. The finale demonstrated Marcelle slipping into a coma. Cherokee unplugged his life support and ended the program when she laid him to rest in his pine wood box. Hardy Barkins was recollecting on his childhood. “I grew up without a father. My grandparents and mother raised me. One of the toughest incidents for me to get through was when I wasn’t able to go to the Daddy-Son Dance.” The town is gearing up for Hollerween. Pumpkins are ready for picking. Sheriff Combover is already giving advice on watching out for children running in the streets. He’s also warning folks to keep their kids away from mean ol Harley Spears. “I have no jurisdiction over Harley’s house, cause he lives outside the city limits. Mind that you don’t take your youngins out there for treats. He is so rotten that last year he set out a washtub on his front porch for the trick or treaters. It was full of colorful Tide detergent pods.” Mumford Pickens says, “Reading a great classic book on Kindle is like enjoying fine wine in a can.” You can contact Clet Litter at bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com. WWW.Hogspore.com Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff. Contact: BobSimpson1947@yahoo.com Largo, Florida 727-596-3458 |
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