|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
The Tribute to Fresh Fruit and Granulated Sugar starts on Friday. It’s a three-day
celerbration of sweet appreciation. There will be a display of ripe fruit on the
courthouse steps. The granulated sugar bags statue will be inside, in case of
inclement weather. If you think inclement is too fancy a word, here are some
substitutes: brutal, cold, foul, hard, harsh, raw, rough, rugged, severe, stormy,
This year the Mayor will emcee the All-You-Can-Eat Taffy function. The winner won’t
be the one who eats the most candy. It will be the contestant with the highest glucose
score. If there’s a tie, both contenders will each put away a dozen doughnuts and have
their glucose levels retested. In the event of a further draw, then the Mayor wins.
The prize is a year’s worth of treacle and a free funeral plot in Hogspore Forever Acres
Memorial Gardens and Soccer Fields.
Madam Stinger’s sign out on Highway 71 says that she can read your past and future.
She also sees the present, but she throws that in for nothing. She receives her visions
throughout the day, except on weekends, which she spends with her family and friends
on this planet.
Sometimes, she will miss a vision cause she’s already receiving another message at
the same time. She said, “My mother had the gift of receiving more than one tidings
from the other world alongside each other. She told me that I would probably grow into
that talent, as I got older. I’m can’t wait to cultivate the aptitude for Trance Waiting.”
Mumford Pickens says, “Being famous without being rich is worthless. If you’re
celerbrated, but poor, folks will still recognize you, come up to talk at you, and snag
your autograph. If you did something bad or stupid to get in the public’s eye, they’ll also
yell at you. You can’t go out in public without somebody bothering you. The only thing
good about being famous and penniless is that everybody knows when you die.”
Here’s some advice for your December getaway plans. It’s a pitiful decision to drive
12 hours to visit relatives that you don’t like.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.