| The Funniest Newspaper Column in the Country Hogspore News National Society of Newspaper Columnists 2008 First Place Humor Column |
| 11-30-2020 Hogspore News By Clet Litter from the Ozarks Got Through Thanksgiving Like A Twister In Arkansas We got through Thanksgiving like a twister hitting Little Rock, Arkansas. There was plenty of damage, but nobody died. Sheriff Reilly Combover did find some garbage near Mean Ol Harley Spears' place. Harley don’t celerbrate Turkey Day. The trash pile included a black and white photo from the Great Depression showing Norman Rockwell sitting at a Thanksgiving dinner table, alone with his cat, sharing a can of tuna. December is right around the corner. Larry of Larry’s Funeral Home loves the hollerdays. So many folks overeat, that his inventory piles up at the end of every year. Larry says, “Christmas is just around the coroner.” We start the season with the Bird Calling Competition on Saturday, December 5th. Then two days later, we face Hogspore Tater Salad with Mayonnaise Day on Monday, the 7th. The Town Rectangle will serve tater salad at 5 pm. That way the mayonnaise won’t turn on us in the sun, plus it gives the citizens time to honor Pearl Harbor Day through most of the afternoon. The Hogspore Rooters Football team has an additional cheerleader. A giant facemask runs, tumbles, and rallies the crowd. This year it’s a student named Judy Gymknot. The facemask has a 3-foot wide smile and holes to see and breathe through. It’s the country’s only maskscot. Morton Trubletoof never used to buy jelly jars that could be drinking glasses. He said, “I favor jelly a lot, but I hated drinking the stuff directly from the jar. I finally figured out to eat the jelly first, then I would wash the jar and use it for a glass. At Thanksgiving and Christmas Dinner, Portia puts out the fine china and silverware, whilst I set out my Flintstone Collectibles. I sit at the head of the table, so I get the Fred glass.” Morton’s favorite joke/riddle is, “Why does popcorn pop? Cause it can’t mom.” (Morton’s brain swims in the kiddie pool.) * This is a Public Service Announcement: The asterisk is here to confuse and irritate some folks. If it bothers you, get help. ** Second Public Service Announcement: The sweet potato is a four-syllable vegetable; the yam is only one. 75% of sweet potato crops go for people food; 25% goes to livestock. Sweet taters and yams both are flowering plants, but they’re not related. Yams have a different fodder. Popeye ate spinach for strength and Olive Oyl baked him yam pies for dessert cause he thought sweet tater pie had too many carbs. Popeye was proof of you-are-what-you- eat. “I yam what I yam.” You can contact Clet Litter at bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com. WWW.Hogspore.com to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff. BobSimpson1947@yahoo.com Largo, Florida |
