|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Thanksgiving Day is coming
The men folk in town are priming themselves for some extreme overeating, come
Thanksgiving Day. The fellers are gonna show off by cooking the bird. When they finish
roasting the turkey, they’ll eat dinner. That’s what we do for the next three days, cept for
burping, loosening waistbands, and releasing digested stuffing emissions. It’s our way of
showing how much we appreciate the womenfolk by doing most of the work for them.
One question bothers me every holiday. Who sets the table, prepares the side items, puts
out the butter and rolls, bakes the pies, keeps changing the conversation when the relatives
start arguing, washes the dishes, and later in the afternoon serves double helpings of pumpkin
pie with whipped cream to the guys who are watching the football game? That was a long
sentence, but I suspect that we’ll also take a long time to complete eating that hollerday fare.
Hardy Barkins raises turkeys. The proper phrase for a group of turkeys is a Gobble of
Turkeys. Hardy is taking reservations for dressed-out birds on Thanksgiving eve.
He had a sad tale about one of his stuffing storerooms he was raising. It was an old moral
story, where the hero always does the right thing. It ain’t a drama like in today’s movies with
a handsome sensitive vampire or a zombie with an identity crisis.
“I started out with one Jake. When he was older, I made a pact with Gobbly. If he would
help raise the upcoming dinners, I’d pardon him for Thanksgiving. He could live out his life
as a family pet. He promised that he would boost the morale of the fresh Toms and withhold
information about Harvest Wednesday, November 27.
About a week ago, them turkeys found out what the deal was. Gobbly was so ashamed that
he’d tricked the troops, that he did the right thing. The proper phrase for misleading the males
is Tom Foolery. Gobbly was disgraced, so he wandered into the barn, knelt down, and fell onto
the saber of a meat thermometer.”
Hardy added, “I hated to see it happen, but I gotta tell you. I’m gonna have a mighty fine
season, if they are half as tasty as ol Gobbly was.”
This year I’ve been growing my own two feathered fowl feasts. Both of the boys are gaining
weight and plumping out for their looming moment of glory. They only trouble is that they're
constantly fighting with each other. I know when I hear them Toms yelping, “Squabble,
Jimmy Suspenders was relating that he never learned to line dance when it was so popular
cause of the movie, Urbane Cowboy. He said, “I couldn’t remember them steps. It got so bad
that one night out on the hoedown floor, I took so many wrong turns that I wound up in the
I sez, “It’s okay that you can’t line dance. I admit that I stopped going to wedding receptions
for a while cause I can’t do the Macarena.”
Jimmy said, “I decided to try again, so I enrolled for a computer site that teaches dancing. I
cancelled my subscription after the first lesson. I think what I signed onto was some kinda
dating service. Online Dancing weren’t what I thought it was.”
Mumford Pickens says, “Winning an Honorable Mention in any contest is only important
to the winner, the winner’s parents, grandparents, her teachers, and the local newspaper’s
readers. That’s the important people, but it’s enough.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.