|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Bertram, Duncan Winslow’s mule, is going to be out for a while. Duncan is deciding on
which of his eight children is gonna pull the plow while the mule is recuperating. Winslow’s
wife weren’t included in the plowing selection pool, since she’s always abundantly with child.
Nobody knows which youngin will be pulling the plow. Duncan keeps changing his mind daily
about which offspring is out of favor.
Are you wondering what’s up with the mule? I told you that other stuff to get you
anxious to know more. Them TV shows do that before a commercial comes on. But I
don’t expect you to understand that cause you’re not in the media business the way I am.
See, I’m still doing it, keeping you waiting to hear what happened to Bertram.
Bertram had a hip replacement. It was one of his hind hips. Those are the first to wear
out. Doc Muley performed the operation with the help of Skooter’s Shade Tree Repair Service.
He’s the one with the winch and pulley system for replacing auto and truck engines in his
Doc Muley inserted a joint renovation he bought off the internet. Mumford Pickens
administered the anesthesia, thanks to his exotic brew that mules and people enjoy.
There was a tense moment in the backyard procedure when the internet hip didn’t fit
properly. Skooter saved the day when he substituted a used left front strut from his pile of
April Fool’s Day is Wednesday. Most folks here won’t be celerbrating or cracking their own
Jokes. We’ll watch TV on the first of the month for the 24-hour guvernment updates that tell
us what we can do for the next 15 days. I ain’t complaining about it, though. I’m getting a lotta
good naptime in.
Here’s something to get your spouse chuckling. If you got children or pets, make sure
they’re in the room with you. As you say this, stand and pretend that you’re a model that
waves a hand across the big prize showcase that is up for bid on “The Price Is Right.” She’ll
laugh, but maybe cry later, when you announce, “Honey, after I’m gone, this will all be yours.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be
delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.