|The Funniest Newspaper Column
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Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Drum roll please. If you can’t do a drum roll, then drop a pan of frozen dinner rolls on a wood,
somewhat clean, kitchen floor. The winner of the 2018 Hogspore Spelling Bee was Mattie Kingsworth.
The last round come down to her and Spurgin Folks.
Spurgin had to spell the beer brand, ZiegenBock. He spelled it out and Principal Imogene Scoggins
announced that it was incorrect. Mattie was given the word, and she won when she said, “Capital
Z i e g e n, capital B o c k.”
The winner’s polluted pappy staggered up the steep stage stairs to congratulate his daughter.
You mighta noticed that I didn’t mention his first name; that’s just to keep his privacy, cause of what
Sheriff Riley Combover escorted the drunk daddy out of the auditorium into the waiting patrol car.
He rode to an intervention and then on to a Mena, Arkansas 30-day rehab called It’s Not Five O’clock
In a related story, high school grammar teacher, Ms. Ain’t Proper, got herself arrested for stealing
money from the Muleberry County School board book fund. Judge Hawthorne give her a fifteen-year
prison stretch and then added another 48 months. He said, “It was necessary that she received the extra
time since the guilty grammarian deserved a run-on sentence. She’s still getting a deal. I coulda thrown
the book at her.”
Mumford Pickens offered up a barbershop news item, “I heard that you can take your loved ones
cremated ashes and have them made into a diamond, maybe for a memorial ring or necklace. When one
of my ex-wives dies, I might get a diamond made from her ashes and give it to my next wife … but I don’t
think I’ll tell my bride where it came from.”
Meanwhile, Mumford bought himself one of them high-tech robot wives, but he sent it back cause
it never stopped nagging him.
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