| The Funniest Newspaper Column in the Country Hogspore News National Society of Newspaper Columnists 2008 First Place Humor Column |
| 11-18-2019 Hogspore News By Clet Litter from the Ozarks Thanksgiving Day is coming The men folk in town are priming themselves for some extreme overeating, come Thanksgiving Day. The fellers are gonna show off by cooking the bird. When they finish roasting the turkey, they’ll eat dinner. That’s what we do for the next three days, cept for burping, loosening waistbands, and releasing digested stuffing emissions. It’s our way of showing how much we appreciate the womenfolk by doing most of the work for them. One question bothers me every holiday. Who sets the table, prepares the side items, puts out the butter and rolls, bakes the pies, keeps changing the conversation when the relatives start arguing, washes the dishes, and later in the afternoon serves double helpings of pumpkin pie with whipped cream to the guys who are watching the football game? That was a long sentence, but I suspect that we’ll also take a long time to complete eating that hollerday fare. Hardy Barkins raises turkeys. The proper phrase for a group of turkeys is a Gobble of Turkeys. Hardy is taking reservations for dressed-out birds on Thanksgiving eve. He had a sad tale about one of his stuffing storerooms he was raising. It was an old moral story, where the hero always does the right thing. It ain’t a drama like in today’s movies with a handsome sensitive vampire or a zombie with an identity crisis. “I started out with one Jake. When he was older, I made a pact with Gobbly. If he would help raise the upcoming dinners, I’d pardon him for Thanksgiving. He could live out his life as a family pet. He promised that he would boost the morale of the fresh Toms and withhold information about Harvest Wednesday, November 27. About a week ago, them turkeys found out what the deal was. Gobbly was so ashamed that he’d tricked the troops, that he did the right thing. The proper phrase for misleading the males is Tom Foolery. Gobbly was disgraced, so he wandered into the barn, knelt down, and fell onto the saber of a meat thermometer.” Hardy added, “I hated to see it happen, but I gotta tell you. I’m gonna have a mighty fine season, if they are half as tasty as ol Gobbly was.” This year I’ve been growing my own two feathered fowl feasts. Both of the boys are gaining weight and plumping out for their looming moment of glory. They only trouble is that they're constantly fighting with each other. I know when I hear them Toms yelping, “Squabble, Squabble, Squabble.” Jimmy Suspenders was relating that he never learned to line dance when it was so popular cause of the movie, Urbane Cowboy. He said, “I couldn’t remember them steps. It got so bad that one night out on the hoedown floor, I took so many wrong turns that I wound up in the parking lot.” I sez, “It’s okay that you can’t line dance. I admit that I stopped going to wedding receptions for a while cause I can’t do the Macarena.” Jimmy said, “I decided to try again, so I enrolled for a computer site that teaches dancing. I cancelled my subscription after the first lesson. I think what I signed onto was some kinda dating service. Online Dancing weren’t what I thought it was.” Mumford Pickens says, “Winning an Honorable Mention in any contest is only important to the winner, the winner’s parents, grandparents, her teachers, and the local newspaper’s readers. That’s the important people, but it’s enough.” You can contact Clet Litter at bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com. WWW.Hogspore.com Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff. Contact: BobSimpson1947@yahoo.com Largo, Florida 727-596-3458 |
 | |  | |  | |  |
