|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Old man Grimely has so much money that he’s shopping for a deluxe recliner for his TV
room. He’s going for the model with a seat warmer, a storage drawer for the Remote Control,
(Remote Control is capitalized out of respect), a reading light, a telephone, a fully functioning
toilet, and a built-in-staging area. Grimely won’t say how he will use the staging area feature,
but he did add, “What happens in a man’s recliner stays in a man’s recliner.”
National News: Fewer folks are drinking brand-name milk products, plus some have
switched to swigging soy milk, almond milk, and acorn milk. Some vegetarians like to dip
their kale chips in spinach milk. I added a couple of sentences first in order for you to prepare
to hear the bad report. Borden’s Milk is filing for bankruptcy.
Elsie the cow and her herd ship out to an Argentina concern and return to the United
States next month to a grateful U.S. hamburger conglomerate. Elmer, Elsie’s husband, is
gonna stick it out here in this country. He plans to stay home, glued to the television set.
I was watching a documentary on the West last night. My great Grandpappy kept
bookshelves of western paperbacks and coffee table books with pictures of Indians.
He shoulda called them Native Americans. He even rode an Indian motorcycle as a courier
in the Great War, but it was really World War One.
Great Grandpappy admired the Native American way of life. He shoulda said lifestyle.
I figured that he woulda liked to watch the show, so I decided that, even though he was in
heaven, (he preferred the Happy Hunting Grounds), he could still be here with me, enjoying
himself. He even got to chuckling that the narrator was a feller named Peter Coyote.
The film showed a lot of injustice back in the 1800’s. That kinda stuff is all behind us now.
Mumford Pickens says, “The original people to live here should be designated Pangeans
cause the land mass was Pangea. So, Native Americans are all kinfolks who were born here
after it became America. Since most of us are Native Americans, now we can get along with
each other. But, don’t mention any of this at a political rally or if you are running for office.
Actually, you probably shouldn’t bring it up anywhere … ever. ”
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.