| The Funniest Newspaper Column in the Country Hogspore News National Society of Newspaper Columnists 2008 First Place Humor Column |
| 01-25-2021 Hogspore News By Clet Litter from the Ozarks Pie Week in Hogspore next Friday Pie Week starts on Friday. Mayor Ringer got a lotta requests to start the pie judging on Day 1. The Mayor won his first term years ago with the platform, “Dessert First.” So, on Friday the lovely contestants, not the bakers, will sit on the sacred display table in front of the courthouse with the official silver tasting tablespoon. Real pie lovers ain’t fork people. The Mayor digs into the pans at 1 PM. Mumford Pickens is furnishing a mason jar of untaxed whiskey for the judge’s use in washing his taste buds. His Honor’s secretary fills in when he fills up and has to go stretch out for a nap at 2:30. I got a friend who thinks he’s a hippie, but only on the weekends. He don’t do anything recreationally illegal, but he does plow through four boxes of weekend wine of whatever’s on sale. That’s the brand of his adult berry juice, “Whatever’s On Sale.” I ain’t giving his name, cause he works a forty-hour week at an insurance office and has a wife with 10 children to raise. He don’t want the fame. I didn’t give away who he is cause we have more local insurance offices than bars, or even churches. I seen him Sunday afternoon. He was wearing a bandanna and everything was groovy. He was barefoot, sporting paisley bell-bottom pants, and a T-shirt. His weekend was wineing down and he had purple stains on his shirt. He said, “Far out, but I’m cool with that. Dude, it’s my Tie-Wine-Dye T-shirt. If I can’t say that three times fast, then I stop drinking.” The Generic Feminine Protection Factory on Clear Creek is closing for the month of February. This is a 28-day period for the annual employees’ vacation. No one will be there except for a cleaning crew for a few days to tie up loose ends. When Punkin asks a question that I don’t know, I can’t say, “I don’t know.” That just leads to another question like, “Why don’t you know?” The trick is to have a reply that don’t make sense, since she’ll walk out shaking her head and muttering. This morning, she asked me why I don’t practice portion control at breakfast. My true answer woulda been, “I do practice portion control. My portions are big enough, so I’m not hungry when my breakfast is over.” The snappy comeback that I really give was, “I need to keep my energy up; I do a lot of thinking.” She walked off, shaking her head and muttering, but this time I heard what she said. She musta been a tugboat captain in a past life. You can contact Clet Litter at bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com. WWW.Hogspore.com to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff. Contact: BobSimpson1947@yahoo.com Largo, Florida |
