|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Old Man Grimely Is Gonna Be A Father
Old Man Grimely is gonna be a father. See how misleading a first sentence can be
cause he already is a father, and has been for sixty plus years. The real news is “gonna”
be a father. He’s in his mid-eighties and heading toward ninety like the Muleberry
County Fair roller coaster, “Last Stop to ICU.”
Since the much younger bride is in a family way, I probably should tell you her name.
Grimely never wanted it in the paper. He was afraid that folks would ask her the
personal question, “What were you thinking?” Not that she didn’t have a few million
reasons for marrying him. Oh yeah right, here’s the name, Mrs. Grimely. Ok, her maiden
name was Angelina Boatwright. She’s from the Boatwright’s of Winslow’s Holler,
pioneers in the area. They go back ten generations. They were there before grammar.
Angelina is due in 8 months. She hopes it’s a girl cause her husband won’t be able to
catch a baby boy once it gets to running. Every feller over fifty-five has some questions
for Grimely, but he’s not talking.
I was wondering if he’s worried about dying before the baby gets too big. He said,
“I’m not concerned about that. My son is a young 62, in good health. I figure he can step
in to be the step daddy. In fact, he already likes my beautiful wife, and he seems to be
happy about replacing me.” I was gonna give you the son’s name, but someone asked
me not to.
I was out to the ranch of Hogspore’s ophthalmologist, Dr. Lash Styefull, his wife Iris,
and the apple of his eye, son McIntosh. Dr. Styefull has a full-time office in town, but at
home, he is a gentleman rancher. I know the term is sposed to be gentleman farmer,
but it ain’t a farm … so excuse the heck out of me.
The place is 100 acres with horses and a barn. He’s got a dog and a pet mule. There’s
a long driveway leading up to the ranch house. It’s a ranch house … it ain’t a farm. The
gate out front has a sign with the bar brand, but they don’t have cattle. It’s not a cattle
ranch. It’s a gentleman’s ranch. The brand is a circle with a large capital tilted I in the
middle. The sign on the ophthalmologist’s gate offers, “Welcome to the Lazy I.”
Chief Sitting Quietly has chanted out a book to his tribe stenographer. Some think
it will be a bestseller, but the wise revered chief said, “Fat Chants.” The book on
relationships is “Braves are from Mountains and Squaws are from Valleys.”
The Muleberry County Fair starts this Friday. Bring on the fast foods, fast heartburn,
fast rides, more fast food, sideshows, and off midway sideshows … just like New York
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.