|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Folks are starting to feel the excitement from the opening of the Muleberry County Fair this Saturday. Buford Falterhouse
announced that he seen a convoy of food wagons and trucks parked overnight at the rest stop on Highway 71 last night. He tried
to get a sampling of Corn Dogs, Bag-O-Onion Rings, and Elephant Ears, but the ovens and fryers were cold. Don’t tell me not to
capitalize these treats; I do it out of respect.
Big news in Mena, Arkansas. A new Golden Corral Restaurant is going up. That’s a three-hour trip from here, but like most
men, I’ve driven longer for less, in my time. I still sense the pull of an all-you-can-eat buffet, but that was a life style from
another era. I call it my indiscretion period.
At one point, I was the unofficial all-you-can-eat buffet performance artist in Muleberry County. There was many a young
buck that came gunning for me, but they ended up out back, kneeling over the loser’s bucket.
Here’s my problem: The Golden Corral invited me to perform my signature interactive performance art at their grand
opening. I hung up my prize platter years ago. Part of me says no, but my stomach says yes. Preacher wasn’t much help.
He was so excited about it that he offered to drive me to Mena, if he could be my assistant.
Golden Corral called and wanted an answer. I told them I didn’t know yet. Then they added another carrot to the pot.
After the show, I could take home the life-sized cardboard cutout of Jeff Foxworthy. I’m gonna make my decision after I figure
out if I have a proper respectable place to display it, and if Punkin will let me keep it in the house.
The Hogspore Middle School 7th grade history class had a contest to write a short poem about the Civil War. Here’s Elvin
Spinkbasket’s winning entry, The South Lost; Get Over It:
Are you ever cranky
Or cry when you get a spanky?
Better walk it off with a hanky
Cause Johnny Reb got whupped by a Yankee.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org
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