| The Funniest Newspaper Column in the Country Hogspore News National Society of Newspaper Columnists 2008 First Place Humor Column |
| 01-21-2019 Hogspore News from the Ozarks By Clet Litter Wednesday is National Handwriting Day … make yourself a note … in cursive ... like your Granny was watching. Morton Trubletoof had his meat smoker with two pork shoulders going all Saturday. Sunday, he shredded the meat and made pulled pork. It was good, but it didn’t taste like pulled pork. He figured since he asked the butcher to find him a hog with tired strained shoulders, it would smoke into pulled pork. We had company coming so Punkin wanted to have something besides sweet tea to serve. She bought some Deeters Ginger Ale from Smartins Grocers. It’s mighty tasty stuff, specially when you figure in the price of a 2-liter bottle is 50 cents. Deeters’ motto is, “When you truly care about quality for your guests … but don’t have the money, then try Deeters Ginger Ale. Deeters; it’ll get the job done.” A fire truck salesman from Mena, Arkansas was in town last week meeting with the Mayor and city council members. They were getting close to agreeing on the cost of a hook and ladder that Bernie Ash brought to demonstrate. A fire alarm sounded. It was the Mayor’s barn. There was a quick vote and the Mayor handed Bernie cash for the city’s newest fire truck. Mayor Ringer and the council members jumped on the shiny rig and took off toward his Honor’s homestead. The Mayor drove; he’s the Mayor. Turned out, it was brush burning behind the barn, nothing damaged. The Mayor got to hold the hose; he’s the Mayor. During the excitement, Bernie Ash strolled over to Maude and Freddy’s Come-On-Give-Us-One-More-Chance Diner and enjoyed himself a steak dinner, baked potato, salad, bread sticks, coffee, and a slab of hot apple pie made that morning. Maude said that he looked like he really enjoyed his food cause he was smiling and laughing through the whole meal. By the time, the brush fire was out, Bernie Ash was ten miles out of town, heading home, after stopping to bury the empty can of gasoline. My Pappy told me that his Granny was a firm believer that folks could stay healthy, if they was regular. He said, “Granny performed so many purgatives that she had a concealed carry license.” Mumford Pickens says, “Here’s a tip for budding auto mechanics. You can find a book in the library on how to manage an oil change. It’s in the Nonfriction section.” You can contact Clet Litter at bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com. WWW.Hogspore.com Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff. Contact: BobSimpson1947@yahoo.com Largo, Florida 727-596-3458 |
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