|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Jimmy Suspenders has an “Aha Moment”
Jimmy Suspenders had what Oprah calls an “Aha Moment,” or what we call in town,
a “Well, I’ll Be Derned Pause.” Jimmy said, “My wife is the boss of the house. Sara’s always
been against any of my ideas, like what farm to buy, what couch to choose, or whether I sleep
in the doghouse. I never give it no never-mind cause she’s usually right. But, for over a month,
Sara’s been onboard with anything I wanted to do. Finally, we sat down last night and I asked
her to say No again, on a regular basis, just to keep me in line.”
Morton Trubletoof has a household tip from when he also had himself a “Well, I’ll Be
Derned Pause.” He said, “If you want to store a shower curtain and you’re trying to keep
sharp creases on the folds, the proper tool to use ain’t a hot steam iron.”
We have the annual Bird Calling Competition this Saturday. The Mayor didn’t publish a list
of the contestants. He thought he’d generate more interest if there was some mystery about
what was gonna happened. He did let on that there would be the usual owl and red-winged
blackbird entries, but he also hinted about an ostrich roar and a penguin growl. A penguin
growl sounds sorta like a truck that don’t start, but I couldn’t find any info about what make
or year of truck.
Hogspore’s Tribute to Fresh Fruit and Granulated Sugar is this Friday. The big draw will be
a three hundred pound papaya grown in a greenhouse by Bronson Fortney. He won’t be there
to enjoy it. Apparently, the late Mr. Fortney was standing under the tree when the ponderous
papaya decided it was ready for harvesting. He never had time for a “Well, I’ll Be Derned
Pause.” He had a “Permanent Papaya Pause.”
International news: Scientists in Russia discovered a frozen prehistoric puppy. Course, all
puppies are somewhat prehistoric since none of em can read. There’s some talk that showbiz
Lassie mighta been able to read, but he/she learned to move her/his mouth while he/she was
pretending to take it in. She/he actually only chewed the book.
The white coat fellers think the ancient mutt might be 18,000 years old. That’s 126,000 in
dog years. The scientists also found a small bag in the ice made from reindeer hide, full of
petrified puppy poop, which a caveman probably carried while taking the little feller out for
Hardy Barkins was complaining, “I got thrown out of whittling school for cutting class.”
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