|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Punkin’s pappy relates adventure
Punkin’s widower Pappy was visiting this week. He was relating about his adventure
back in 2011 when he saw his favorite singing star. “I had a great time. There was half a
jar of moonshine left for the ride home, so I become sorta rowdy and obnoxious on the
return trip. We was coming from Branson, Missouri, just crossing the Arkansas River,
when they tossed me out of the Andy Williams’ Party Bus. It took five days to get to my
farm, once I finally climbed outta that river. But, at least I was dry when I got home.”
I seen Jim Meeker eating breakfast at Maude and Freddy’s. That’s what folks call it
when they’re in a hurry. Maude and Freddy own and run the Come-On-Give-Us-One-
More-Chance Diner. They ran it and owned it the first year, but they was always fighting
about their roles.
Jim runs the best barbeque place in Muleberry County, The Happy Porker; he owns it
also. His restaurant is where bonified space fellers visited a few years ago. Every so
often, he’ll bring it up and his smoked meat-loving customers get uncomfortable, and
not in a good way, like enjoying too many ribs.
Jim motioned over to his table. I set down and ordered some breakfast, since it’d
been two hours since my original breakfast. I needed a little something to tide me over
til lunch in an hour. Ten minutes went by. He said, “Wanna hear a joke?”
I sez, “Yep, but I’m gonna start eating whilst you tell it.”
He looked around the diner to make sure no one was listening, and then he leans in
and says, “There were these Martians that abducted some humans into their SUV,
(Space Utility Vehicle). One of them Martians said, ‘How many earthlings does it take to
prepare an earthling?’
Another Martian raised his claw above his cerebral unit and beeped out the answer.
‘One to cook and one to carry it to our table.’”
I laughed, but I got to feeling hemmed in, and not in a good way, like at the Golden
Corral. Then he asked if I talk to my pets. I sez, “Sure, I chat with my dog Ol Slump,
mostly cause we agree on everything.”
Jim said, “I do talk to my critters, but yesterday my daughter wondered why I keep
talking to my pets … when I don’t have any. I do have one, but only on Halloween Day.
I feed her Kibbles and Bats.”
I finished my biscuits and gravy, but I was far past uncomfortable hearing about his
pretend cat. It was time to leave. I was scared and getting cold.
Anyone know what cardiac embarrassment is? It’s been a medical diagnosis long
before this politically correct era, but it still fits in with new speech. If you think it means
the heartbreak you feel when you find out that someone you fell in love with is really
your first cousin, then you’re wrong. And not cause you live in the isolated mountains,
and it’s okay for close cousins to be in the dating pool. Now this might get you in a huff
… but go look it up yourself … and much luck.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.