|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Don’t mess up Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day is coming. Do not mess this up. Buy flowers, candy, a card with mushy
writing, and anything else you can afford for your sweetheart. Bring Your Mule to Work
Day lands on Friday, the 19th. If you buy flowers, candy, a card with mushy writing, and
anything else you can afford for your mule, then you have some serious problems.
Here’s what’s called a follow-up or update in the newspaper game: Most groundhogs
are looking for a new home with privacy, but without reporters in February. They’re also
searching for a residence with no shadows for miles around, and a property that they
can get into for 20% down and burrow the rest.
Hardy Barkins raised forty turkeys for Thanksgiving and Christmas in 2020. Turkeys are
so stupid that when it rains, they look up, open their mouths, and drown. For the first
few minutes of rain, you can hear their calls. They change from a gobble to a gargle,
then a gaggle, and finally a goner.
Hardy usually sells out the rafters by Thanksgiving, but he had 7 left over. He said,
“I felt real certain, that 6 of them would, for sure, be gone for Christmas, with one left
for my own table. I was counting my money out by the barn on November 27, when
Preacher drove in with the church van.
He saw those 7 turkeys and me ciphering my cash, so he says, ‘How bout donating
those fine 7 blessed birds for the free Christmas Church Supper, so we can feed your
flock to our flock.’ With all that money in my guilty hands, and those 7 dinners strutting
in the pen, I told Preacher that I could let go of 6. I wanted to save one for myself.
He said that someone special a long time ago had died to save me, and I would be a
welcome guest for supper. So, I attended the dinner to see my lost income. Gotta say
though, I did have my fill. There may be something to them blessed birds. I anointed my
portions with warm gravy and it was the most perfect primo poultry I ever put away.”
Remember that old revolutionary stand-up comedian with the one-liners, Patrick
Henry. “Give me this or give me that,” or “If your army walks through the forest in bright
red uniforms, then … you might be a redcoat.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.