|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Groundhog will wear facemask
Tomorrow is Groundhog Day, but the shy stubby critter is gonna be wearing a
facemask. If he sees the shadow of South Dakota’s governor, then there will be six
more weeks of pandemic.
Mumford Pickens, solar-powered untaxed whiskey distiller, has been working on a
new product, so he can “go legit.” He probably could put a better spin on that. “Go
legit” is like the answer that mean Harley Spears give Doc Spicer when his lab tests
come back with illegal drugs, “Dude, that’s bogus.”
Mumford’s idea is a high-energy potion, without a drop of alcohol. That don’t mean it
has two drops or more. You can serve this stuff at The Betty Ford Clinic. If a preacher
downed this draft right before he died, his soul would zip through the Pearly Gates like
a rush hour commuter speeding through a toll plaza with a paid yearly pass decal.
Mumford’s got a down-home name for his energy drink, “Hurry Up, Every Chance
You ever stop to wonder why you thought of something? Here’s what come to me
yesterday, “My dog needs a godfather.” But, not the kind that says, “I need you to kiss
a mole in the garden.”
Watermelon is what made me think of my Ol Slump. I seen a commercial that says it’s
now a health food with a lot of vitamin C, and it helps your circulation. Most doctors say
that if you’re having a heart attack, take an aspirin till you get help. It thins your blood,
and it’s much easier to swallow than a gourd.
When I was a boy, there was a tragedy out on the old Highway 71. Ernie Dirtclod was
cruising north in his pickup truck, when he hit a patch of fog that was kinda peculiar for
that time of year. It was four a.m., and he couldn’t see but 10 feet in front of his
bumper. A southbound truck was up about a hundred yards on the other side of
the road. That highway was full of bumps and potholes. This southbound feller with
a truckload of watermelons hit a pothole. It bounced somewhat, but he kept on driving.
A 60-pound melon hopped out and arced into Ernie’s windshield. He was going slow,
not slow enough to react, but slow enough that he saw that melon enter his cab.
Nobody knows what Ernie was thinking when that plump produce fatally smashed
into his face, but legend says it was, “Cept for the windshield glass, this is a mighty tasty
watermelon and packed with plenty of vitam ….”
I thought of a godfather for Ol Slump this morning, cause the late Mr. Dirtclod’s dog,
Hoedown, had to be sent to the pound when no one could take the mutt.
The Genuine Fake News: Donald Trump had the full support of the My Pillow Guy.
President Biden hasn’t made a decision yet on who his Pillow Czar will be. Rumors are
that he’ll pick a woman for the post. He said, “I need a few days to decide; I’d like to
sleep on it.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.