|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Pie Week starts January 29
The town celerbrates National Handwriting Day on January 20. Sorry, if this is not
much notice. I’ll have to mention it earlier next year, once I can find a blank piece of
paper, and maybe a quill and ink … and a book on Calligraphy.
Pie Week starts on Friday, January 29. Local livestock are getting skittish, specially the
ones that are living on a farm with a baker. Dough punchers are storing lard for the tasty
upcoming piecrusts. If we run out of lard, we’re gonna have to sacrifice a few animals
for the good of Muleberry County pie-loving citizens.
A high-speed chase of a wheelchair hijacking occurred on the grounds of Larry’s
Assisted Living Facility and Funeral Home. Sheriff Reilly Combover come up with some
Sherlocking supposing. He reckoned that the perp who stole the wheelchair would be
heading downhill to promote his getaway.
The sheriff found him at the bottom of a holler. The feller musta had a fair clip going
when he ran off the edge of Winslow’s Slope. They call it a slope cause it ain’t a full 90-
degree drop, more like 85 degrees. If the drop was only three feet, the ruthless rascal
coulda walked away with no injuries. Too bad that the plunge goes on for five hundred
yards before it ends at Winslow’s Used Wrought Iron Fence Storage Pit. That’s a pure fall
of five football fields, if you play football on the side of a cliff.
Real estate ads are reflecting the current culture. Here's one listing for a ten-acre
homestead near the southern border of the county. “Nice Ranch style home, four large
bedrooms, two baths. Three-car garage. Upgraded heavy-duty electrical system. No
window treatments, but there is new aluminum foil in all the windows, plus a Bonus
Reducing the size of the font on the latest positive number of pandemic cases ain’t
the same as reporting smaller numbers this month.
Hardy Barkins was complaining about his finances. He said, “My income bracket is so
small that it forms a square.”
Hope folks took time to speculate on Martin Luther King Jr. Day how much more we
have to do, before we get to the “I Have a Dream.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.