|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Overachievers Compete In Spelling Bee
Hogspore took in the Elementary School Spelling Bea last Fridae. Principal Imogene
Scoggins called out the words for the little overachievers. Fifth grader Coyote Willers
won the contest with the correct answer for the word “patriot” by spelling KICK OUT
Mumford Pickens is writing a book. Yep, the Ex-CIA operative, who now runs a solar-
powered still in the woods, is gonna be an author. In high school, he was president of
the Ventriloquist’s Club. What with the club activities, his weekly accordion lessons, and
part-time mime job, he didn’t date much. His Pappy was a ventriloquist and so was his
Grandpappy. It musta been a disappointment to his kinfolk when Mumford joined the
Spy Society and give up the family business. He’s almost finished formulating
Ventriloquism for Dummies. After he retired from guvernment work, he bragged
that for thirty years, he still worked with dummies.
Greyhound Bus Line has a special free ride back home for runaways. I remember when
I was a kid, my parents would leave Greyhound Bus brochures in my room, along with
discount coupons and directions to the station. They was always playing that kind of
practical joke, those two old lovable scamps.
Jimmy Suspenders was moaning about his life to Doc Spicer. “I ate something bad
for supper cause I woke up with stomach cramps this morning. Later, I saw a hospital
commercial showing a baby being born, and I started crying.”
Doc asked him, “Were you good at sports when you were a youngin?”
“Yeah, I was right accomplished in every sport.”
“That’s what I thought. With the symptoms you have, you probably woulda done
well in the Olympics Decathlon.”
Preacher had a message in his sermon that hinted that he needed more donations for
the church. He said, “I’m praying for a blessing for my flock for abundant times when
you make more money than you need … so you can devote it to your place of worship.
When you’re poor, you may not be so happy, but you learn the most … and I sure am
learning a lot in these days.”
The new Yoga studio, Round the Bends, is opening soon in town and is hiring for all
positions. Flexible schedules are available.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.