|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Ending The Year 2020, Whatever It Was
Happy New Year. 2020 was a ________. You fill in the blank. I can’t think of anything
that’s fit to print, but we surely did have a successful New Year’s Eve celerbration.
Mayor Deighed Ringer shoved the hollerday 400-pound pumpkin off the courthouse
roof at midnight. Nobody was hurt, so this is the first time since 1918 that there weren’t
no government-related accidents at the end of a December.
Course, our private sector’s number of mishaps for December 31 won’t be ready til
February. The Mayor issued an executive order that fireworks injuries are not included
in the list, since that’s just normal behavior for country folks. Black powder and
dynamite are always welcomed as Christmas gifts or wedding anniversaries. Even
Larry’s Funeral Home has a special “Go out with a Bang” plan. Larry’s nickname for
it is “The Speed Cremation.”
Doc Spicer come up with a syndrome for a patient of his. He said, “Clet, I was in the
mountains taking care of your cousin Jim. He took a spill down Incompatibility Ridge.
He bent over the edge to see what was down below, felt dizzy, fell, and found a much
closer look. I diagnosed him as having a Leaning Disorder.”
The Mena, Arkansas Zoo hired a freshly retired safari hunter, name of Duya-Bwana
Dance, to run the place. He got some kinda guvernment subsidy with his salary cause
he has PTLB, (Post Traumatic Lion Bite). A mother lion caught him teasing one of her
cubs. Mr. Dance has a service giraffe to keep him calm and collect the tasty Mimosa
leaves from high branches to feed itself.
The townfolk gathered outside on the night of 12-29-2020 to view the last full moon
that year. One feller had a telescope, so he could look at the man in the moon. Well,
he couldn’t spot much; the satellite was wearing a facemask. Our fine citizens were
keeping their social distancing from each other, but there was one romantic couple
involved in some hearty kissing. They stopped every few minutes to wipe away the
kiss smudges from their cell phone screens, but they was still six feet apart.
Mumford Pickens says, “With all the stories you read, hear, and see today, if you
take everything with a grain of salt, then you probably have high blood pressure.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.