|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Thankful For No ‘As Seen On TV’ Gifts for Christmas
I hope every one of you had a Merry Christmas. I’m grateful that I didn’t get any
gifts that were As Seen on TV. Mumford Pickens was relating to the fellers at Tony’s
Barbershop that he overheard a brother tell his little sister that there was no Santa
Claus, that he weren’t real. The Think Tank come up with the argument that he is the
bona fide deal, and always will be.
Here’s the first reason why Santa is genuine: Millions of people believe in Betty
Crocker. Every box or can has her guarantee signed with her picture. In 1945, Fortune
magazine named Betty Crocker the second most popular woman in America, following
Eleanor Roosevelt. Does anyone reckon that Eleanor Roosevelt was not real?
There are more examples that are credible to the public. You don’t have to favor
them, but they’re flat out factual folks or critters: Tooth Fairy, Bogeyman, Leprechauns,
Loch Ness Monster, Melania Trump, Big Foot, Nancy Pelosi, Disney Dads, and Kim
Kardashian. If you give credence to these characters, then you gotta admit that Mr.
Claus is as authentic as they are.
Morton Trubletoof tried to make extra cash for the hollerdays. He said, “I got on
that internet thing to sign on for one of those for-sale-sites. I wanted to sell my identity
online for four dollars, but I got no bids. My wife, Portia says that means that even
Credit Karma won’t keep track of my credit score until it gets into three-digit numbers.”
Preacher brought his mule to church Christmas evening. He travels with him to the
cemetery to carry the shovels and pull a wagon with flowers and the recently departed.
Eulogy is his right-hoofed mule.
We skip blessing the animals on St. Francis Day. It’s a tradition in our town to bless
the varmints at night on December 25, but it’s nothing like a river baptism. We stopped
those years ago after a caged parakeet never made it back out of the water. He didn’t
drown. He froze first. Preacher holds the animal blessings out on the church grounds,
not cause we don’t allow pets in the sanctuary. The problem is that the distant county
farmers are a might sketchy and don’t hold much to rules about sinning or donating to
a house of worship.
Hogspore wishes all of you a very happy New Year. You can contact Clet Litter at
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.