|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Grimely Diagnosed with Rotator Cuff Sprain
Old Man Grimely hurt himself dragging some downed branches from the windstorm
last Wednesday. Doc Spicer said he had bilateral rotator cuff sprains. Sounds serious,
like he injured himself on a tractor trying to rotate crops. (When a jockey whips both
sides of his horse in the home stretch, he’s also rotating his crops. I said “his,” cause if
it was a lady jockey, she wouldn’t be whipping the horse, unless it didn’t take out the
garbage.) Turns out Grimely merely sprung his shoulders. Course, Doc’s diagnosis was
the one that gets the big money. Grimely commented, “I’m doing better, but I have to
hold off using my shoulders for a month. The only way to raise my arms now is to put
them up for adoption.”
Late yesterday afternoon, Hogspore closed down the three-day Tribute to Fresh Fruit
and Granulated Sugar. City crews and volunteers cleaned the Town Rectangle and the
side alleys downtown. It took four runs with Morty Swinter’s street cleaning and
vacuum truck to sop up the sugar and syrup muck on the streets. Morty don’t use the
truck to earn a living. It’s just his peculiar hobby that lets him roam the roads whenever
he’s too tense or can’t sleep. Nobody complains about the noise at night, since he
cleans the streets for free.
Hogspore got a bonus this year for the event. The Chiquita Banana Company sent
500 bunches of bananas and 27 spiders for us to give away as prizes. City Hall is gonna
be busy next month getting those 1099 income tax forms to the winners. The banana
prizewinners are probably expecting them forms. As the Mayor says, “There’s no free
lunch, not even bananas.” The folks that will be out of sorts are the citizens who won
the 27 spiders, valued at $300.00 each. The Mayor come up with that figure, so it must
Five days till Christmas, so I still have plenty of time to, as they say in consumer’s
language, snag my shopping gifts. Remember to shop locally. Support the small
businesses. That don’t apply to burglars. You fellers stay out of my neighborhood.
I sure hope that the cookies and milk we leave out for Santa don’t make you sick.
The newspaper editor asked me to include a follow-up warning about the fireplace
streaming videos. If you’re running a fireplace video, please also run a smaller screen
next to it with a fire extinguisher. Has anybody tried fly-fishing a live-streaming trout
river? I did, but lost too many of my favorite flies in the living room curtains.
Almost all the Hogspore citizens wish you a very Merry Christmas.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.