The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                                   Hogspore News
                                                      By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
                                                     An Evening in Front of the Fire

   Punkin and me have the fireplace going with seasoned oak logs snapping and popping
away. We hardly ever turn on the television. We just sit and read by the fire in the living
room. She’s reading one of those library books with pages and no pictures. I’m pouring
over the Harbor Freight catalog thinking I need a bigger workshop before ordering any
more tools.

   But, last night I decided to view a few reruns of Cops. I’m usually alone when I watch,
so I sing along. “Bad Boys, Bad Boys. Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?” It
ain’t no secret what they’re gonna do. Them bad boys are going to the slammer. The
only sad thing is when a little girl hiding behind her mother asks, “Mommy, are they
gonna shoot Daddy?” At least you can’t hear the mother mumbling back, “Oh, Mommy
sure hopes so.”

   It was disappointing cause Cops weren't playing. There was a message on the screen,
“During the Holiday season we will be featuring a 24-hour continuous scene of a
crackling fire.” Cept, this was not a Hallmark type setting. Through December, you can
watch a Meth Lab burning. It’s not real relaxing, what with no sounds of wood snapping
and popping. Still, every so often a box of stored ammo goes off.

   More TV stuff: Munford Pickens said, “I saw a commercial for a device that attaches  
to a toilet that lets you clean your ‘Australian Area’ with water. You don’t have to use
toilet paper. I might buy one, but maybe next January. Til then, I’m gonna enjoy the rest
of this year with a Wiped Christmas.”

   Jimmy Suspenders was boasting in Tony’s Barbershop that he had himself a new
work title. “I am now officially working in administration.”

   Tony asked, “What kind of administration?”

   He come back with, “It’s an I.T. position. That stands for Information Technology.
The best part is working from home.”

   Tony asked, “How much do you make?”

   Jimmy said, “I don’t know yet. I just started.”

   Tony said, “That’s crazy that you don’t know. Who told you that you had this
administration job?”

   “Nobody, that’s what my computer informed me yesterday, ‘Do you want to run this
program as the Administrator?”’

   Tony looked down, “Jimmy, I hope you aren’t wanting a trim today cause I think
I would accidentally cut you.”

   You can contact Clet Litter at


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   Largo, Florida   
web log free