|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
It's Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas
It’s Pearl Harbor Day. Time to remember that Sunday morning when the sleeping giant
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, what with the number of delivery vans on
our streets. Folks are skimping on groceries, so they can buy presents for their friends
and kin. You can’t find a cheap can of tuna in the whole of Muleberry County, not even
the brand with the cat on the label.
Here’s an updated version of a Christmas carol. “It's beginning to look a lot like
Christmas, everywhere you go. Take a look in the Dollar Store, with Bud Light on the floor
and workers all aglow. A pair of Kardashian boots and an assault rifle that shoots is the
wish of Barney and Ben. Dolls that will pass gas right out of their little XXX is the hope of
Janice and Jen. And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for home school to start again.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, even without the snow. There's a tree in the
Motel 6 and another one in the well, the tree that doesn't mind the relatives that come
from hell. Even though you asked them all to go.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, soon the bills will start. And the thing that we
all find grand is the easy payment plan that starts at the end of March.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Chinese toys in every store. But the prettiest
sight to see is the Fed-Ex that will be at your own front door. Sure, it's Christmas once
Preacher was sermonizing yesterday on his favorite topic, Sin. He said. “Sinners are
folks that are slow dancing with the devil and when they’re not dancing, they’re dipping
into Ol Scratch’s punch bowl. If I ever get tempted to the devil’s formal ball, I’ll wrap
myself in the Good Cape of Holiness and become a wallflower.”
Old Man Grimely was telling me about his new medical treatments. “I’m seeing Dr.
Saul Palmetto for some therapy. I was having some older gentlemen problems. I get my
vitamin T shots every week in the doctor’s office. Nurse Edie does them.”
We had a newcomer to the Bird Calling Competition on Saturday. 11-year-old Butrice
Notworthy pulled off an upset win when she astounded the Hogspore High School
auditorium crowd with the dying song of a quail shot by a hunter. It even included the
growl of the bird dog that went to retrieve it.
Last Monday, citizens did it up right for Homemade Tater Salad with Mayonnaise Day.
A shout-out goes to Mayor Deighed Ringer for hiring an out-of-town repairman to
restore Sam and Ella Foodbourne’s broken cement mixer back to normal boiled egg-
Most comedians can think on their feet. The best ones think on other people’s feet.
Mumford Pickens says, “You can’t brag about being humble.”
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.