|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Got Through Thanksgiving Like A Twister In Arkansas
We got through Thanksgiving like a twister hitting Arkansas. There was plenty of
damage, but nobody died. Sheriff Reilly Combover did find some garbage near Mean
Ol Harley Spears' place. Harley don’t celerbrate Turkey Day. The trash pile included a
black and white photo from the Great Depression showing Norman Rockwell sitting at
a Thanksgiving dinner table, alone with his cat, sharing a can of tuna.
December is right around the corner. Larry of Larry’s Funeral Home loves the
hollerdays. So many folks overeat, that his inventory piles up at the end of every
year. Larry says, “Christmas is just around the coroner.”
We start the season with the Bird Calling Competition on Saturday, December 5th.
Then two days later, we face Hogspore Tater Salad with Mayonnaise Day on Monday,
the 7th. The Town Rectangle will serve tater salad at 5 pm. That way the mayonnaise
won’t turn on us in the sun, plus it gives the citizens time to honor Pearl Harbor Day
through most of the afternoon.
The Hogspore Rooters Football team has an additional cheerleader. A giant
facemask runs, tumbles, and rallies the crowd. This year it’s a student named
Judy Gymknot. The facemask has a 3-foot wide smile and holes to see and breathe
through. It’s the country’s only maskscot.
Morton Trubletoof never used to buy jelly jars that could be drinking glasses. He said,
“I favor jelly a lot, but I hated drinking the stuff directly from the jar. I finally figured out
to eat the jelly first, then I would wash the jar and use it for a glass. At Thanksgiving and
Christmas Dinner, Portia puts out the fine china and silverware, whilst I set out my
Flintstone Collectibles. I sit at the head of the table, so I get the Fred glass.” Morton’s
favorite joke/riddle is, “Why does popcorn pop? Cause it can’t mom.” (Morton’s brain
swims in the kiddie pool.)
* This is a Public Service Announcement: The asterisk is here to confuse and irritate
some folks. If it bothers you, get help. ** Second Public Service Announcement: The
sweet potato is a four-syllable vegetable; the yam is only one. 75% of sweet potato
crops go for people food; 25% goes to livestock. Sweet taters and yams both are
flowering plants, but they’re not related. Yams have a different fodder.
Popeye ate spinach for strength and Olive Oyl baked him yam pies for dessert cause
he thought sweet tater pie had too many carbs. Popeye was proof of you-are-what-
you-eat. “I yam what I yam.”
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.