|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Diner Offers ‘Older Than the Hills Special’
The Come-On-Give-Us-One-More-Chance Diner has a special for Older-Than-The-Hills
Week for Pinochle card players. They call it The Patty Meld. The only pinochle player
that won’t be there is Eddie Grousetter. He can’t go near the Come-On-Give-Us-One-
More-Chance Diner on Older-Than-The-Hills Week cause he has a Hyphen allergy.
Thanksgiving is the 26th this month. It’s also Mamma’s birthday, and that means a
double helping of mashed taters for the birthday gal. My sister, Sugar, will be there but
my other two brothers are socially distancing this hollerday. Both are in a county jail
somewhere, thinking about what they did. Sugar is gonna be bragging about her la-de-
dah career, Certified Nursing Assistant in Tulsa. We always end the meal with Pumpkin
Pie, cept for me. Every November, I get a healthy slab of Humble Pie, with a dollop of
whipped sour cream.
Hardy Barkins works at Bickum’s Hardware full-time, but he has 5 acres at home with a
food garden and a barn. He has enough room to raise forty turkeys for sale for
Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. He gets them ready for pickup on Tuesday. Hardy
said, “Since there won’t be any turkeys left for Christmas, I’ve been looking at my pet
pig in a different light. I gotta add that my Toms are organic and never treated with
antibiotics or hormones. The only thing I do for them a week before T Day is to dose
them with tranquilizers. It cheers them up, so they don’t fret about the upcoming
festivities. It also helps them from being sad about missing the Macy’s parade. They’re
gonna miss the lively banter between the parade co-hosts. They don’t mind dying now
after I told them that the co-hosts this year are Andrew Cuomo and Donald Trump.”
Mumford Pickens got himself a new mule, the name of Serendipity. It’s not an odd
name around these parts. We all know the word serendipity in Hogspore, and we rely
on it to get through this life. It means luck to us, but we favor the big words to show off
when we can.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.