| The Funniest Newspaper Column in the Country Hogspore News National Society of Newspaper Columnists 2008 First Place Humor Column |
| 11-23-2020 Hogspore News By Clet Litter from the Ozarks Diner Offers ‘Older Than the Hills Special’ The Come-On-Give-Us-One-More-Chance Diner has a special for Older-Than-The-Hills Week for Pinochle card players. They call it The Patty Meld. The only pinochle player that won’t be there is Eddie Grousetter. He can’t go near the Come-On-Give-Us-One- More-Chance Diner on Older-Than-The-Hills Week cause he has a Hyphen allergy. Thanksgiving is the 26th this month. It’s also Mamma’s birthday, and that means a double helping of mashed taters for the birthday gal. My sister, Sugar, will be there but my other two brothers are socially distancing this hollerday. Both are in a county jail somewhere, thinking about what they did. Sugar is gonna be bragging about her la-de- dah career, Certified Nursing Assistant in Tulsa. We always end the meal with Pumpkin Pie, cept for me. Every November, I get a healthy slab of Humble Pie, with a dollop of whipped sour cream. Hardy Barkins works at Bickum’s Hardware full-time, but he has 5 acres at home with a food garden and a barn. He has enough room to raise forty turkeys for sale for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. He gets them ready for pickup on Tuesday. Hardy said, “Since there won’t be any turkeys left for Christmas, I’ve been looking at my pet pig in a different light. I gotta add that my Toms are organic and never treated with antibiotics or hormones. The only thing I do for them a week before T Day is to dose them with tranquilizers. It cheers them up, so they don’t fret about the upcoming festivities. It also helps them from being sad about missing the Macy’s parade. They’re gonna miss the lively banter between the parade co-hosts. They don’t mind dying now after I told them that the co-hosts this year are Andrew Cuomo and Donald Trump.” Mumford Pickens got himself a new mule, the name of Serendipity. It’s not an odd name around these parts. We all know the word serendipity in Hogspore, and we rely on it to get through this life. It means luck to us, but we favor the big words to show off when we can. You can contact Clet Litter at bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com. WWW.Hogspore.com to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff. BobSimpson1947@yahoo.com Largo, Florida |
