|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Backsliders gearing up for Turkey Day
Folks are gearing up for Thanksgiving. The Non-Denominational Church of Backsliders
and Mid-Week Sinners usually schedule the men’s prayer meetings on Tuesday
mornings. There were two reasons why they canceled this month. One was that
everybody that voted for president has been praying for his or her candidates non-
stop since last March. The other reason was so the church could run classes on stomach-
stretching exercises for the fellers to train for Turkey Day. It includes slow breathing
techniques before getting seconds or thirds or fourths.
Sometimes folks say that the extra pounds they’re carrying are excess water weight.
We’re about 60 per cent water, so that theory don’t hold much water. I reckon a lot of
my bulk is excess gravy weight. I won’t be able to get into my Miles Standish costume
this year. I might go as Squanto, the helpful brave who brings the heap plenty butter for
the maize on the cob. If you have some reservations about saying, “heap plenty” then
pretend I wrote heaps of butter.
I’m down in Largo, Florida visiting my friend, Bob, who types the news for me.
We planned on fishing in the Gulf of Mexico, but we’re sitting in a dark house waiting
out a hurricane to pass through. It’s the 97th one this season. We brought everything in
from outside so it wouldn’t blow off into Georgia. It’s just him, Ol Slump, and me. Yeah,
I showed up with my dog. That’s what Hogspore men do. Bob ain’t much of a dog
person. He says he is, but you can’t hide that kinda thing.
Here’s a riddle from Mumford Pickens: “What are the most prevalent wild animals
found in valleys? Clumsy mountain goats.”
Rest in Peace Alex Trebek, who recently said, “I’ll take Dying for 400.” Too soon?
Pretend he really said, "I’ll take Happy Hunting Grounds for 400.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.