|The Funniest Newspaper Column
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2008 First Place Humor Column
| Hogspore News for 11-09-2020
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Truth in Marriage Proposals, Wedding Vows
The Barbershop Think Tank was working on truth in marriage proposals and wedding
vows. The boys thought that they should reflect the real world, but they didn't want
their names mentioned in case anything offended you.
Here's some of our ideas for popping the question: Darling, if you marry me, I promise
not to mess up, cept every so often. Sue Ellen, will you be my bride? Please accept this
layaway ticket for a pawnshop engagement ring as a token of my affection. Becky, say
that you'll get hitched with me, and I'll ask for directions if you ever get us lost. Zelda,
do me the honor of becoming my wife. I will love your nine children just like they was
my own. Lauralie, if you agree to spend the rest of your life with me, I promise to wear
socks if we go to church. Wanda, of course, I believe that it's a miracle, but I'll do the
right thing and marry you, plus help you with your high school homework.
We had ideas for marriage vows for fellers: I love you, but I'm going fishing whenever
I want to. I will give you a foot rub once a week ... and you can pick out which foot. I will
get my snacks and beer whilst I watch football three times a week.
Here's vows for women. I'm gonna cherish you, but I ain't having nothing to do with
obeying you. I vow to nag you if you need it. I won't pick my teeth at the dinner table if
you won't blow your nose when we're eating. I vow that if you don't take out the
garbage when I ask you, it will be under your pillow that night.
The circus missed us in Hogspore, but they did show up in Mena, Arkansas last month.
Punkin and me drove there to take it in. It's pretty much the same every time, but still
exciting. They did have a new fat lady from Ireland, the name of Adipose O'Bese. The
previous heifer passed away in the middle of a Hot Yoga session.
We strolled through the livestock area where I seen a huge cow wearing a mask.
I begun daydreaming about T-Bone Steaks on the grill. It got worse. We got to the
produce section, and I seen the 2-pound baking taters. By the time we got through
the dairy pavilion with that homemade butter, I had to drink two quarts of water cause
I was dehydrating from drooling. That's the reason for the sawdust on the ground.
Punkin drove us back to Hogspore that night since I was too full after a day of Corn Dog
We celebrated our anniversary on November 2. I give my wife a fifty dollar set of
essential oils. That's what the ladies favor. They like anti-aging oil. The best way to keep
a woman from aging is not to let her husband keep updating his eyeglass prescription.
For men, the only essential oil is a good motor oil. Punkin gave me a Tums of the Month
Club subscription cause of my affection for the Corn Dogs.
Mumford has a joke for you. "What is a dung beetle's favorite candy? Reese's Feces."
You can contact Clet Litter at BobSimpson1947@yahoo.com
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.