|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Don’t feed your dog bean, then take him on a road trip
(Editor’s Note: Due to technical difficulties,
today’s Hogspore is a reprint from October 28, 2013.)
Me and Punkin got back Sunday from the Mountain View BeanFest. I got two things to
remember from that weekend.
One: Never take a dog on a road trip and stuff beans in him for 3 days. We tried to
sneak his Beano into some cheese. Ol Slump kept eating the cheese clumps and spitting
out the hidden Beano pill. All we got was a dog full of beans … and cheese too.
I can’t remember what else I was sposed to remember, after breathing Slump’s bean-
cheese gas in my closed-up truck cab.
Oh yeah, now I remember: I gotta get my truck’s electric windows fixed so I can open
em up and get some fresh air.
Mumford Pickens was bragging that him and Bill Clinton was born in the same hospital
at the same time. Mumford said, “I got something real strange to tell you.
Me and Bill was switched at birth.”
That got my curiosity up. “You was switched at birth? You mean that you might coulda
been the President, if they had given you up to the right mother?”
Mumford started laughing. “Clet, what I meant was that a nurse come into the hospital
nursery that first night and started switching us … with a hickory stick.
The police dragged the nurse off to jail and me and Bill went back to sleep.
Momma told me something else weird about that night. She swears that just before
little Billy Clinton went back to sleep, that he winked at my momma.”
If Punkin goes to bed early this Hollerween, I’m gonna turn out all the lights and eat all
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.