|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
School pep squad helps with senior citizens
The Hogspore School Pep Rally Squad volunteered to help Larry’s Assisted Living
Facility. The team ran a few cheers and routines in the parking lot for the residents.
Then for lunch, they offered to serve the meals in the dining hall. Some residents still
remembered when the kids performed a pyramid outside ten minutes before. They
begged them to do one inside the lunchroom.
The teacher in charge agreed, but they couldn’t try the three high pyramid cause of
the low ceiling. They performed with two boys with a girl standing on their shoulders.
Then they added something that they hadn’t practiced. The girl on top was holding a
tray of steamy soup bowls to deliver to a table. I bet you can guess what happened.
There’s a 100-year-old birthday party for Henry Meltmark next week. I hope it goes
better than the last one I caught. That birthday gal sat facing the cake with 100 candles
all sparkling and dripping wax on the icing. Some folks favor that. When it come time to
blow them candles out, she couldn’t catch a big enough breath. She tried again, but this
time she used her asthma inhaler on the blaze, cept she pulled out her pepper spray by
mistake. There weren’t any takers for seconds on the black sprinkles cake.
Back to Henry Meltmark’s future party: I’m puzzled about what sorta present you get
for a Centurion. I’m gonna wait till the day before the party in case he dies first. That
way I can use that money for flowers for the family. I could put a gift on layaway for him
that I also like. Kinda like what Mr. Meltmark did with the funeral home. His layaway is
a Pay-As-You-Go plan, really more of a Pay-Before-You-Go plan. If he doesn’t make it to
the celerbration, I’ll keep paying on the layaway for myself. I know Henry would want
me to enjoy a new fishing tackle box.
I got to thinking about this 100-year thing; I don’t plan to reach that age. Course,
I never really thought about when to say good-bye. I’ll take off for some fishing in four
weeks to think about it, maybe with a new tackle box.
Mumford Pickens has some rumors to debunk. “There was a rumor that Santa Claus
was gonna be defunded. That falsehood came from the folks with children that have
been out of work since March. The children weren’t out of work. The parents were out
of work, but that doesn’t mean that the children had jobs. The myth was that St. Nick
might be involved in running a sweatshop full of elves. That gossip didn’t stick around
long when everybody figured out it was too cold at the North Pole for a sweatshop.
The one true rumor is about looters. Santa says, ‘You looters are on my naughty list
and you’re not getting anything for Christmas. You already helped yourself to your own
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.
Largo, Florida 33770