|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Oh The Smell Of Corn Dogs In The Vehicle
The Muleberry County Fair started Friday. I drove by the fairgrounds Saturday. It’s
gonna be great cause I smelled the essence of Corn Dogs, (capitalized as always, out of
respect), floating through my truck. I seen my eyes in the rearview mirror glaze over, so
I had to return rapidly to reality, at least Hogspore reality. Corn Dog aroma in my vehicle
is worse than texting while driving.
I prepare for my first day at the fair like a general organizes an invasion. I have a plan
B for rain. C is for early onset indigestion. D is if Punkin wants to look at crafts or won’t
let me enter the sideshow with the dancing girls. E is in case my truck is stuck in mud.
I carry sawdust to sprinkle in the mud, and then I back up out of the muck. That’s a real
back up plan.
There is no F cause I already used that plan in high school. G is for when Sheriff
Combover throws the elephant ear vendor out on his ear for using vegetable oil
instead of lard.
I hear that the next presidential debate is gonna be moderated by a kindergarten
teacher, along with Barney, the dinosaur, as sergeant at arms. Ok, sergeant at little
arms. If either candidate interrupts, he starts singing, “Sharing is Caring.” If that
debater keeps on interrupting, Barney will kneel on the candidate’s neck till he stops
talking and starts to see the ghost of Mike Wallace.
Tom Petty once said, “You belong among the wild flowers.” Punkin told me that when
we passed the cemetery’s gardens.
Mumford Pickens was showing off his education by quoting Alfred, Lord
Hypertennyson, but added his ideas at the end. He said, “Tis better to have
loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but why did I have to get married
each time, before I lost all those loves?”
Clet, here again. The only thing I can’t understand is how come it’s Alfred, Lord
Hypertennyson, and not Lord Alfred Hypertennyson. I’m gonna quote some famous
feller too. When asked how deep the ocean was, Jacques Cousteau said, “I can not
fathom it.” Most of Cousteau’s quotes were lost since nobody could read bubbles.
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.
Largo, Florida 33770