The Funniest Newspaper Column
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Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                                 Hogspore News
                                               By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
                                        Busy Time For Town Photographer
 Grady Willis is the town’s photographer. He also does the school yearbook pictures. He’
s a serious guy, and he takes the best photos of anyone who’s ever done the job. During
my six terms in high school, if the picture guy missed a couple of students, he could
always get copies of the recent mug shots from the Sheriff’s office. Grady was saying, “I’
m so busy this time of year. It’s hard to keep track of everything I have to do.”

 I asked him, “So, maybe you’re an overworked photographer. Are you having trouble
staying focused?”

 He said, “No … why do you ask?”

 I sez, “Never mind, I was just going for something there.”        

 Abner Wingknuckle saw Doc Spicer for his annual exam. His wife asked him about the
checkup. Abner said, "I’m in good shape. Doc said he’d see me again in 12 months, and
if any salesman offers a 5-year warranty, I could take it.

 I did have some problems when they drew my blood. The nurse had to take
four vials. They’re sposed to do that without moving the needle. Well, when she
was disconnecting the second vial, she sneezed. Then another nurse ran in with a
crow bar to pry off my arm from the table.”   

 Some news information in these reports comes from mistakes. I ordered a book and
received another one by mistake. Here I was waiting for “How to Tease a Mother Bear,”
but I got “The History of the American Telegraph Pole.” I shoulda known better when
I bought it online from Barnes and Whatever.      

 Here are the facts that kept me reading: The pole was usually pine treated with
creosote. When those dead trees started hopping west, they lined up in a straight line.
They didn’t ruin any scenic landscapes since there was no one there to see them.

 The only folk that complained was a tribe of Native Americans, the Long Shadow
Apaches, who were ten feet tall, taller when they were riding their ponies. The Apaches
were running into the wires on Buffalo hunts.

 When the telephone come along, the Bell Boys slapped their strands on the telegraph
poles and overcharged customers for the next hundred years. Right soon, every
company was plopping on their own lines. Winslow’s Holler tried hanging natural gas
pipes. It didn’t work. Whenever a quail hunter shot a gas pipe, a straight line exploded
across the holler.

 Muleberry County handled the problem for us. They put a ban on adding anything
more than a telephone wire or electricity cable on those poles. The local real estate
agents lobbied for it. Nobody wants to buy a panoramic mountain view full of 20 wires.  

 Mumford Pickens has a riddle, “How can you tell if a circle is tilted?” Answer: “If the
circle goes missing, then you can consider it tilted … cause it’s not around anymore.”

 You can contact Clet Litter at


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