|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Funeral Home's Advertising Goes Too Far
Larry’s Funeral Home and Assisted Living facility mighta gone too far with their
advertising campaign. They have a billboard out on Highway 71 with a 40-foot wide
picture of an empty open coffin. Course, Larry’s name and address are at the top,
and then the sign reads, “When one door closes, another one opens.”
Out here in Muleberry County, we don’t throw away much. That’s why marriages last
so long. We don’t fix our cataracts so that we can see better, once we get old. That’s
why marriages last so long. We don’t argue with our wives. That’s why marriages last so
long. I know some couples that have been together for over sixty years. Being married
that long must feel like an endless buffet … even if the food gets cold.
Great Grandma needs a new set of teeth. She finally wore out the store-bought pair
that her momma left her in the will. Aunt Maude got the cane. What with her age, we
can’t spend a lot of money on Great Grandma, so when she wants a fresh pair of
dentures, I go out to the woodpile, pick out a nice piece of seasoned oak, and whittle
some choppers. She likes them oak ones cause she slurps that cheap whiskey on the
porch every night, and she can swish that rotgut around in the mouth. It goes down
like smooth whiskey aged in an oak barrel.
Every time we plan a cookout, she takes her teeth out and hangs them overnight in
the smokehouse. It gives that authentic country taste to those ribs on her platter.
My mule Sammule had a barnyard accident with a pitchfork that he walked into.
No, I wasn’t anywhere near him when it happened. He got a little dent in his upper left
front leg. It healed, but there was still an indentation there. I noticed that he was kinda
shy around other mules and kept to himself. I come to realize. Sammule was ashamed
of the dent, so I went at him with a can of Bondo. He let me patch him. It dried and I
sanded it level. But, the color didn’t square with his hide. I mixed up some barn paint
with some clay and matched his coat. He looks so fine. An example of the country way
of doing things. Now he’s out in the pasture with his buddies, acting proud and showing
Mumford Pickens says, “A problem solved with an either-or solution will always be …
either right or wrong.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.