|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Celebrating Hollerday With Mumford’s Brew
We celerbrated the hollerday yesterday the way Hogsporeans do. Hogsporean sounds
high class like Shakespearean or Notaryarian Publicans. We put aside the hollerday
morning for contemplating what the day stands for. In the afternoon, we changed
course. We lit the grill and opened a jar of Mumford's finest untaxed brew to celerbrate.
I woke up this morning feeling fit but forgot how to spell Layber Dey.
Doc Spicer has a new receptionist. He had to fire the last one cause of wanting time off
to see her great-great-grandchildren. The replacement is from Paris, France, but she
speaks English almost more better than I do. She’s the one that collects the co-pays
from the patients. Her name is Fee Fee Sirene.
Doc and his office staff are nicer. They really care about the patient’s concerns, calling
you and sending letters telling you that they are here for you, anytime. The
email messages have a box to click to make it easy to schedule an appointment.
They weren’t worried so much when they were busy. Now they’re concerned about
making a living … like the rest of us.
Miss Fee Fee is getting used to the rural life, but had trouble having her home
decorated when she hired Hardy Barkins from Bickum’s Hardware to paint the kitchen.
Miss Fee Fee said, “I think I’d want it light in there, maybe Eggshell.”
Hardy said, "I know what you’re saying. We sell a lot of Eggshell paint at Bickum’s.
You rented the old Renfrew house. I know that kitchen and can have it done for you
in two days.”
Right here they musta talked about price. They come to an agreement but like most
folks, they don’t care for you to learn about what they spend their money on. That’s
what gossip’s for.
Fee Fee said, “I will be away this week, but next week is fine.”
Hardy offered, “Everybody in town knows me. If you wanna leave your key under
the doormat, I’ll start tomorrow. You’ll be away long enough for most of the odor to
This was a nice story about helping a newcomer from another country, but it didn’t
turn out that way. Miss Sirene got home, saw the paint color, and marched down to the
hardware store like an angry French woman woulda done, stern, yet elegant and exotic.
Maybe that’s just how I saw it.
The receptionist was hollering before she stomped through the door. “Monsieur
Barkins, what is the reason you painted my kitchen light brown?”
Monsieur come back with, “You stated you wanted Eggshell and that is the exact color
of eggs here in this part of the world.”
Morton Trubletoof is so proud that he set the speed dial on his phone. He said,
“Did it myself. It’s working now, but something real peculiar happened last Tuesday.
I accidentally hit the speed dial button twice and wound up on Wednesday.”
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.