|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Mumford Thinks He’s In Love Again
Punkin was getting on my case for not finishing my chores. I sez, “I’m doing the best
I can. It’s a work in progress.”
She said, “Don’t you mean a work in retreat?”
The Barbershop Think Tank was at it Friday. A good-looking woman walked by
the window and Mumford Pickens commented, “I believe I’m in love.”
I sez, “You’ve been in love five times before, at least officially, when you married
them. That’s why you have to work 12 hours a day at the still, to pay alimony. Nobody
over 25 trusts love at first sight. You’re gonna have to hire more help if you remarry.”
Morton Trubletoof popped in with his one and a half cents worth. Normally, we
smile after anything Morton says, cause he marches to the beat of a different dumber.
This time we didn’t smile. He said, “It was love with Portia, but it weren’t at first sight.
It was love at first sigh.”
Rabbit season starts September 1. It ends when the last hardy hare hops into
Missouri. Ain’t no bunnies hiding in Texas or Kansas. Their seasons run the whole
year. They’re what hunters call the Elmer Fudd States.
Hollywood Legends Trivia: When I was a little feller Grandpappy was reminiscing
about a movie star. This actress was his favorite. He said, “I watched Anita Ekberg in
a film once where she was nearly in her all together, but not really. I just seen the tip
of the Ekberg.”
Mumford Pickens says, “The word derogatory means to lessen the merit or reputation
of a person or thing. But, when you say something disparaging about
man’s best friend, it is dogaratory.”
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.