|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Satellite Dish Made From Revenuer Damaged Still
I was taking in some television from my satellite dish that Mumford Pickens made from
a revenuer-damaged still. At first, the image was clear, but the folks on the TV were
drunk. Mumford climbed back on the roof, pressure-washed the remaining moonshine
residue, and that seemed to work.
When I pause the streaming programs, the actors' pictures in the current scene
appear at the bottom of the screen along with their names and character’s name.
When I’m watching “Star Trek, The Next Generation,” The pause button shows Brent
Spiner playing Commander Data. Mr. Data is an android and not a robot. I reckon if he
was less than 4 feet 8 inches, for political correctness you’d have to call him a Little
Android. Patrick Stewart portrays Captain Pickacard and Marina Sirtis fills out the role
of Counselor Troi. She’s a Betazoid Empath.
Punkin gets suspicious cause I stop the action when Troi is on. I tried to explain that
I paused to find out who the actors were and not to gaze at Marina Sirtis. She said it’s
not Stare Trek. I told her that the ship’s shrink doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t trust lady
Betazoids, even if they do look good on TV.
The only problem I have with the show is that after a few minutes, a message appears
on the side that says, “Skip Intro.” But, each time I click for info on this Skip feller, the
story keeps going. If my wife was also watching, then I complained about it. She always
smirked, so I stopped griping. Finally, I decided to watch the sci-fi when she’s not
around. That way I can stare at Troi as long as I want to.
Did you see the episode when the Ferengi father comes home from a business trip and
his boy runs to the door and says, “What’d you bring me, Ferengi?”
Hollywood News: Who woulda thought that Lori Loughlin's husband snapping a
picture of his daughter on a crew team could lead to such a row?
Mumford Pickens has a riddle for you. He also included the answer, so you can go on
about your day and not feel stupid, unless you’re a politician. “If cats were religious,
what religion would they be? Answer = Cat-holic.”
We dedicate this report to Dr. Virginia Apgar, who developed a test to assess
newborns’ health. Low scores might indicate that the newborn needed special care,
such as extra help with their breathing. Right after birth a nurse or doctor announces
the Apgar results to the labor room. This lets the medical personnel know how a baby
is doing, even if most of them are tending to the mom.
Here’s a record of the first Apgar from 1952. “The female fell into the midwife’s
hands and nailed the landing, scoring a 9. The baby smiled. The judges flipped over
new scorecards and the youngin received a perfect 10.” Before the test, the only score
result was, “It’s alive!”
When I heard about this test, I asked Doc Spicer if I could retake it. I thought I’d do
much better since I’m all grown up. Doc sorta laughed. “Clet, no doubt, but your mother
would have to be here again to deliver you. Nobody in this country could convince her
to do that over. It just ain’t possible now that you’re pushing 200 pounds.”
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.