|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Local Legend at All-You-Can-Eat Barbeque Places
A new doctor moved into town and hung a shingle on his office door. I figure he’ll lay
the rest of the shingles on his roof later. Dr. Eaton Hamm treats stomach and eating
disorders. I like the way he spells Hamm. Ham is m m good, but I reckon I won’t make
an appointment. My stomach is fine and I don’t have any problems with food. In fact,
I am somewhat of a local legend in these parts at the all-you-can-eat barbeque places.
When I was younger, Las Vegas banned me from all the barbeque spots. I was caught
Morton Trubletoof is taking medicine now. I suspect it’s something simple; he looks to
be in great health. He said, "Swallowing a pill bothers me cause I have to have the same
food for breakfast every day. I settled on scrambled eggs, ham, and a buttered-up
I sez, “Don’t you favor some variety in your breakfasts? Why the identical thing
“Yep, I do like to experiment with my breakfast. I was making my way through those
scrambled eggs this morning and daydreaming of a stack of hot cakes with sorghum
I sez, “Was there ham in your daydream also? Is this diet your idea?”
“Yeah there was ham, with a buttered up-biscuit too. This ain’t my idea but that’s
what the drug label said.” He pulled the bottle out of his overalls pocket and read it.
“Take this medicine 30 minutes after eating the same meal each day.”
I sez, “Well, that’s what you gotta do then.” I coulda taken the time to explain what
those instructions meant, but it was 9 am, and I had to be home for supper by 5:30 p.m.
It was right to go when I did cause Morton asked one more question. “Do you think
the trees in the suburb backyards tease their brothers in the front yards since there’s a
path that cuts through them for the power lines?”
Old Man Grimely come into the barbershop for his six-month trim. Tony lets him go
next cause he’s so old, the trim takes four minutes, and he tips well. Grimely is grouchy
and has more money than a TV evangelist does, but he’s still perlite. He said, "My
daddy told me to always respect my elders but I seem to be running out of elders.”
Mumford Pickens was sharing about his days in the CIA when he had to leave his
girlfriend behind in the Middle East. Mumford coulda made the tale more exciting if
he had put an apostrophe S on the word “girlfriend.” He was to set sail in the morning,
so that night he said, “I’ll be leaving now. I ship out tomorrow on the outgoing tide.”
I spose there was a boat under him but it wasn’t part of his story. This is what he said,
“I won’t see you again before I sail from the capital of the United Arab Emirates.
I’ve never been one for long Dubai’s.”
Some folks are against any law that says voting can only take place through the mail.
I heard a lady in Smartins Grocery say, “If we can walk into a supermarket, a hardware
store, or a department store, then we can walk into a voting booth.” From my own
personal experience, I do know that you can get in a lotta trouble if you try on clothes
in a voting booth.
I’m asking for your help in this report. I wanted to make sourdough bread yesterday
and I couldn’t find my recipe. I got my original recipe from an ancient miner. He had a
pretty daughter but I can’t recollect the name. Most folks in the mining camp just called
her Oh My Darling. If any of you readers have a sourdough recipe, I’d appreciate it if you
will send it to the email address at the bottom of this report. Thank you.
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.