|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Bertram Goes to Washington
Duncan Winslow’s prize mule, Bertram, is going to Washington, D.C. as part of a
4-H project in a national campaign to bring more awareness to the American mule.
This includes North, Central, and South America. A non-profit group, Mules Without
Borders, is sponsoring the trip.
He is the only mule to represent Arkansas and is joining a caravan of trailers traveling
to Washington. At first, they had booked Amtrak til social media started making fun of
the mule train.
Bertram and the pack will stay at an Amish farm outside the Capitol. They’ll be
available at the farm for congressmen and lobbyists to take pictures for later use at
reelection time when kissing hands and shaking babies. The mules aren’t campaigning
or running for or from anything, cept maybe a swarm of Mayflies. The mules can’t visit
the District of Columbia since the Mayor defunded the veterinarians. Don’t blame her;
she issued an executive order to defund the Vets benefits. A low ranking member of her
team accidentally canceled all the veterinarian’s licenses in the city instead.
The Big Boy Restaurant in the Town Rectangle is still only offering food to go.
They also deliver. Mayor Ringer gets a daily delivery, just a little something to tide
him over between lunch and supper to keep up his mayoral strength. It takes a lotta
grease and calories to move this town along.
The restaurant was having trouble keeping delivery boys. Not every teenager wants to
ride a bicycle, wear red and white checkered overalls, sport a pompadour, and carry
bags of greasy burgers and fries.
Science News: Scientists speculate that someday, in the distant future, where most
somedays reside, there’s gonna be a discovery of a new world hidden within our own
solar system. It escaped early detection due to its glistening, reflective atmosphere,
which served somewhat as a cloaking device, (you’re welcome Star Trek fans).
Humans like us lived there, at least til their mid-1960s, when the air filled with an oily
substance, turning 95% of the globe into ice. The cause was hair care products abuse
that began in the 1940s. Now the planet Vitalis has no life at all, cept for an occasional
bridge club game in a mobile home park on the warm equator.
The Hogspore First Non-Denominational Church of Backsliders and Mid-Week
Sinners is holding services again, but the believers have to wear masks. This Sunday,
the congregation held Communion. Everything went smoothly cause the multitude
sucked the wine through the cloaks, (you’re welcome again Star Trek fans). Preacher
had an idea that worked out well for the rest of the Lord’s Supper. After the service
everybody piled into their trucks and cars, pulled off the masks, and partook of the
crackers on the way home.
Mumford Pickens says, “A marriage is off to a bad start when the groom says,
‘I does.’ and the bride says, ‘I do … for now.’”
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.