The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                                  Hogspore News
                                                   By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
                                        Neither Rain, Nor Sleet, Nor Dark of Night

 The mailman didn’t get here til 6:40 p.m. I was out by the road when he drove up,
so I sez, “You’re running a might late.”

 He said, “We had the truck loaded and ready for delivery but the boss thought it
looked like a real toad choker was coming. We waited to see what was gonna happen.”

 “I saw those storm clouds this morning at our place about 10 o’clock.”

 “Yeah, I hung around for it to clear up first.”  

 I sez, “It was gone at our house about 11 a.m. There weren’t but one puffy white cloud
way off to the north of town.”

 “Right, that’s the same cloud I was monitoring all day in case it turned ugly again.
That’s why it took so long. Remember the post office motto, ‘Better safe than sorry.’”
At that moment in graveyards out west, pony express rider skeletons took to spinning
like lathes in a high school woodworking shop class.

 The scene was Tony’s Barbershop last week. Mumford Pickens was spouting his
knowledge of grand manor homes around the world. He said, “There’re many beautiful
castles and estates in France. Some are over four hundred years old and now they’re
open to tourists, probably to pay for their upkeep.”

 Morton Trubletoof asked, “What’s your favorite one?”

 “Well, I’d have to say my preference is Chateau Chambord, built in the 1500s. It’s a
luxurious manor with 440 rooms and 300 fireplaces. It has a walled game reserve that
has wild boar and red deer.”

 “Are the red deer wild too?”

 Mumford come back with something that mighta been sarcastic but I never can be
certain with him. He said, “No, the deer are tame. They were raised from birth and
donated to the mansion by a Paris food processing company.”

 Morton said, “At least I can’t argue about that chateau being the best one, cause
I don’t know nothing about castles. I can’t even recollect what country France is in,
but you seem sure enough about it.”

 Mumford says, “I’m positive that it is the finest example in France … without a chateau
of a doubt.”

 You can contact Clet Litter at


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