|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
It’s So Hot, Taking Reservations at Sumner’s Pond
The news in Hogspore this morning is the same as the old news. It’s Hot. I had to use
“it’s” cause it’s too Hot to spell out, “It is Hot.” It’s okay for me to say, “It is Hot,” since
I have special newspaper powers. Sumner’s Pond is so full of citizens trying to cool off
that you have to make a reservation. Sumner cancelled Wednesday Bring a Hog Free to
give more room for paying customers who buy more at the concession stand than the
pigs. Don’t feel so bad about the hogs being a might warm. They have wet mud to sit in,
and course, they’re already in training to experience extreme heat once they meet their
reward: Bacon, Ham, Pork Chops, Ribs, and Lard. Like I always do, I capitalized them,
out of respect.
Here’s a marriage tip for you. When you pick your life partner to have and to hold,
from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in
health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, make sure that your prize catch is
a baker. Tie the knot and everything else will fall in line. If it turns out that he or she is
an EXCELLENT pastry maker, you don’t even have to like them. You’ll eventually fall in
love when you start sampling the baked wares.
I had a list of 25 baked items to enjoy if you married a baker, but the editor ain’t
gonna pay for those names, so I left them out. If you wanna know, send an email
request and I’ll send them to you, no charge. Eat something before you read the list
cause you’re gonna get as hungry as I did when I did the list myself. This paragraph of
explanation had 87 words. Maybe the editor won’t notice.
August 1st starts National Breast Feeding Week and International Clown Week.
What could go wrong with sharing 7 days together? It’s also National Heartburn
Month in August. Why does heartburn snag a month and the other two only fetch
a week? Aren’t babies and clowns more important than over eaters?
You ever have a tune stuck in your head that keeps playing? No, I never have either.
Just kidding. I haven’t thought of this song since we stopped running VHS tapes for our
young children to shut em up for a while. The movie was a fine one, based on an Ian
Fleming book, but nobody dies or gets frisky. Does anybody have any medicine or
procedures to stop this song in my noggin? Please help. I can’t last much longer
listening to “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.”
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.