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Hogspore News
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2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                                   07-20-2020
                                                             Hogspore News
                                                By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
                                           Elmer Jenkins Passing is Godsend

  Elmer Jenkins passed away Friday. His wife, 8 brothers and 6 sisters, plus his own 13
children and 23 grandchildren, and his dog are all in mourning. Rascal the dog, not so
mutts. He’s a might depressed though cause Elmer was the only one that ever gave him
treats.

  It’s okay to call on the family but it was Elmer’s final wish that you bring a casserole   
or something tasty if you visit his sad … but always hungry kinfolks. Everybody is gonna
miss him.

  I talked to the widow, Lou Ellen. I sez, “I’m so sorry he’s gone.”

  She said, “Married thirty-three years, had some children, a whole mess of
grandchildren, and every last one of them got his big ears. Yeah, I’ll miss him,
but it truly was a godsend when he did pass.”

  I sez, “Well, I didn’t realize that your husband was ailing or suffering through a lot
of pain. I‘m awful sorry.”    

  “Oh no, no, no, it weren't nothing like that. He felt fine.”

  “Then why was it a blessing when he died?”

  She said, “We were hitched for so long and traveled through so many rough patches,
what with the youngins and bad crop seasons, more than I care to talk about. Still, it
was a blessing when he died. If you really wanna know the truth, I was just altogether
getting so derned tired of him.”

  Mumford Pickens is on a quest to find oxymorons. That don’t mean stupid beasts of
burden. It’s a combination of words that can’t happen together in real life, like a happy
marriage or General Sherman’s descendants leisurely browsing through Atlanta factory
outlet malls for fire sales. Here’s Mumford’s oxymoron finding this issue:
“Patient Anarchist.”

  National News Rumor: Congress is working on a bill to mandate that all statues have
wheels. When it’s law, a guvernment lottery will sell tickets to win one-week time-
shares for memorials. A transfer starts on a Saturday at midnight and ends on the
following Saturday at 8 pm. There’s gonna be a four-hour window to roll the old
statue out and move in the new one for the next week. The National Time Share
Administration will assess a weekly transfer charge as a cleaning fee for vandalizing
and protesting costs.

  You can contact Clet Litter at bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com.

                                                            
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    Contact:
   BobSimpson1947@yahoo.com
   Largo, Florida
   727-596-3458
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