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Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                             Hogspore News
                                                By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
                                           Elmer Jenkins Passing is Godsend

  Elmer Jenkins passed away Friday. His wife, 8 brothers and 6 sisters, plus his own 13
children and 23 grandchildren, and his dog are all in mourning. Rascal the dog, not so
mutts. He’s a might depressed though cause Elmer was the only one that ever gave him

  It’s okay to call on the family but it was Elmer’s final wish that you bring a casserole   
or something tasty if you visit his sad … but always hungry kinfolks. Everybody is gonna
miss him.

  I talked to the widow, Lou Ellen. I sez, “I’m so sorry he’s gone.”

  She said, “Married thirty-three years, had some children, a whole mess of
grandchildren, and every last one of them got his big ears. Yeah, I’ll miss him,
but it truly was a godsend when he did pass.”

  I sez, “Well, I didn’t realize that your husband was ailing or suffering through a lot
of pain. I‘m awful sorry.”    

  “Oh no, no, no, it weren't nothing like that. He felt fine.”

  “Then why was it a blessing when he died?”

  She said, “We were hitched for so long and traveled through so many rough patches,
what with the youngins and bad crop seasons, more than I care to talk about. Still, it
was a blessing when he died. If you really wanna know the truth, I was just altogether
getting so derned tired of him.”

  Mumford Pickens is on a quest to find oxymorons. That don’t mean stupid beasts of
burden. It’s a combination of words that can’t happen together in real life, like a happy
marriage or General Sherman’s descendants leisurely browsing through Atlanta factory
outlet malls for fire sales. Here’s Mumford’s oxymoron finding this issue:
“Patient Anarchist.”

  National News Rumor: Congress is working on a bill to mandate that all statues have
wheels. When it’s law, a guvernment lottery will sell tickets to win one-week time-
shares for memorials. A transfer starts on a Saturday at midnight and ends on the
following Saturday at 8 pm. There’s gonna be a four-hour window to roll the old
statue out and move in the new one for the next week. The National Time Share
Administration will assess a weekly transfer charge as a cleaning fee for vandalizing
and protesting costs.

  You can contact Clet Litter at


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