|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Think Tank Ideas on De-Veining Shrimp
Clet here. One of my favorite foods is shrimp, but there ain’t much chance of getting
fresh seafood here in the middle of this country. If global warming kicks in, then
someday we might be living by the seashore or maybe next to a harbor. The trawlers
would leave port to the deep waters where Texas and Louisiana used to be. I’ll be at
the docks when the fleet returns, with my buckets, one crammed with ice and the other
ready to accommodate my shellfish buddies.
I brought up my fondness for seafood at Tony’s Barbershop. The Think Tank was
holding court and Tony approved the topic, so we got working to solve the one problem
we have with shrimp … the Vein.
Here are the two options that we’re looking at: Teach the crustaceans to jettison
cargo before they die. Something like your parents saying before a four-hour road trip,
“Go potty before you get in the back of the truck. I know you don’t need to, but go
ahead and try.” The other option is attaching decoy crabs, sea urchins, and starfish to
the nets to panic the critters, before the fishermen haul the net out of the briny deep.
Evidently, the sight of predators will scare the Vein out of them.
Morton Trubletoof was relating his longtime sense that it was raining when he was
born. “Nobody ever told me there was rain, it’s just a feeling that I had cause I always
liked thunderstorms. My birth certificate didn’t have a place to record the precipitation.
I researched some weather records at the library, but there was no rain found on that
day. Then, I realized what that emotion was. It was my Mommy’s water breaking.”
Junior Bickum runs the Neighborhood Watch Program. The project has five sectors,
with a block captain in each one. Bickum’s Hardware furnished the high-powered
binoculars. Also included were flashlights and clipboards full of blank incident reports.
The goal is to show a presence in the neighborhoods so the bad guys will head over to
Winslow’s Holler cause they don’t have a neighborhood watch. Course, the Holler has
no crime. Folks that live down there know where the quicksand pits are, but they don’t
post any warning signs for outsiders.
There’s good news since the watches started. The volunteers are sticking close to their
assigned homes, so they can monitor with their robust binoculars. Bickum's sales have
spiked from purchases from homeowners buying window shades and curtains.
Jimmy Suspenders added new ring tones to his cell phone. He downloaded a ring tone
to identify Sara’s mom calling. Now he’s in trouble with his wife again. The music he
picked for his mother-in-law comes from when the Wicked Witch of the West was flying
her broom inside a tornado.
Mumford Pickens has a riddle for you. “How do you order bacon grease from a
website? You DownLard it.”
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
to you each week. No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.