|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Summer Heat Reminds Me of Granny Baking Cookies
Summer is here and hot. It takes me back to the summers that I stayed with Granny.
She baked ginger molasses cookies every morning. When she opened the oven door to
slide out the hot snacks, it felt like now, walking out of the house at noon. Maybe that’s
why I sweat when I eat cookies. Doc Spicer says it might be something else, but I’m
gonna ask for a second opinion from Nabisco.
Out on Highway 71, there’s a recently built modern luxury apartment complex for
long-distance commuters from Mena, Arkansas who want to experience the country.
They have three swimming pools with a 100-acre nature preserve attached.
I met one of the residents when he come into Hogspore. Warren Hendry is his name,
and he seems to be good people, considering he works in the metropolis of Mena. He
said, “We love our place at The C.O. It’s a 90-minute drive to work every day, but it’s
worth it to get home and relax in the natural surroundings. We moved in on a Tuesday,
but we didn’t see anybody around. They were probably off enjoying the amenities or
working in Mena.
The wife and I finally become accustomed to the special concept that they got out
there. You woulda been as surprised as we were when we discovered what The C.O.
meant. It stands for Clothing Optional. Everybody was buck-naked, not a stitch on em.
The only cloth I saw was the towels draped over the lounge chairs. The next weekend
I appeared at a pool with 20 bottles of sunscreen in case anyone needed help getting
some protection. Completely bare skin sure makes it easy to bestow that lotion.
I offered to apply it to the parts that normal folks can’t reach without being in a
horrible traffic accident.”
Jimmy Suspenders purchased himself one of those TV Stick deals. He makes a
monthly payment and says he takes in free shows and movies. He ain’t really
thought it through cause he pays every month, but he’s still proud. Jimmy said,
“Sara likes those garden and cooking shows and those gushy Hallmark films made
for crying. I favor that Mountain Men program and every survivor show. I used to
watch that Naked and Afraid but I stopped watching cause I’m afraid there weren’t
any naked people.” If you think that a bunch of the news this issue and last week
involves naked folks, well … so what.
He continued, “Sometimes our entertainment schedules clash, and she won’t allow
my programs. Finally, she let me view one a month. Then I couldn’t locate them
anymore. Turns out, Sara disabled my entertainment. I’m not streaming cause I’m
steaming and so mad, I could spit.” Let me interrupt to tell you that after Jimmy said
that he could spit, he did.
He kept on, “I told my wife that’s grounds for divorce.”
I sez, “Think this thing out. She puts up with all the fool things you do. You’re never
gonna find another woman that will live with you that doesn’t have to use a weekend
pass to leave the sanitarium. If you fancy being a mountain man, then go into the
mountains for a while. Sara won’t miss you. Take whatever essential supplies you can
use and live off the land. Just ignore her advice when she says you don’t need a canteen
or matches or a snakebite kit.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
to you each week.