The Funniest Newspaper Column
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Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                           Hogspore News
                                              By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
                           Delivering Birthday Cake with Social Distancing

   According to Mumford Pickens, William Shakespeare, the poet and playwright,
put into play the first water cannon. He aimed it toward the angry Lady Snootbottom,
waiting in line at the theater concession stand. She was loudly complaining over high
prices for treacle tarts and sticky buns. These were Will’s words as the torrents swept
away the shrieking noblewoman, "The lady doth protest to MUNCH, methinks.”

   Abner Wingknuckle asked his wife to bake a cake for his brother. On Bubba’s birthday,
Abner drove up to the front porch with the frosted cake sitting in the truck bed, behind
the silverized aluminum toolbox and spare tire. He set the emergency brake and lit the
candles, but stayed by his truck, observing proper social distancing rules made up by
expert guvernment officials.

   Bubba come out onto the porch, maintaining his own safe protocol. Since he
couldn’t approach the birthday dessert, he fired off his 45 HP leaf blower and
snuffed out the burning candles. The layer of delicious butter cream icing made
its way out across the road and landed inside a barn. The sweet buttery goodness
coated the neighbor’s family mule from head to hoofs. For three days, that farm
animal had quite an enjoyable time whilst the neighborhood goats took to licking
the icing.    

   Herschel Henshed always fried bacon when he was naked. A while ago, his better
half seen him in the kitchen. Lettie squawked, “You old fool, I’m so tired of seeing you
in your altogether every morning. Good Lawd, nobody on this earth wants to lay eyes
on that … ever.”

   He shot back, “If you don’t like what you see, go on outta the room.

   She said, “I make my coffee at this time of day. Now, put something on or you’re
looking at some real trouble coming your way.”

   He laughed cause she’s never done anything more than yell at him for the last
forty-five years. He flipped the sizzling Arkansas T-Bone with a fork and said,
“It’s gonna be crispy tasty in two more minutes.”

   She shouted, "This is your final warning. Get something to cover yourself or you’ll
regret it.” He kept on monitoring the frying bacon. So, she strolled across the pine-like
linoleum floor and dumped a cup of cold well water in the piping pan. Herschel
underwent one of those things that you hear motivational speakers talk about. He had
a paradigm shift, right there in the kitchen, but it wasn’t noticeable, even with his
clothes off.

   Lettie told sister Violet, "The best thing about this was that after that hot grease
splattered his bottom half, that charred-raw Romeo don’t bother me late at night

   The Cool Whip Company is celebrating their 54th year in business. They announced
that they have removed a politically incorrect word from their name. The brand will
now be Cold Fluffy Stuff That Tastes Good on Ice Cream and Pie. Along with the
celebration this month, toppings of the dessert treat formerly known as Cool Whip
is free on all the desserts at the Cracker Barrel Restaurants.  

   Here’s a thought from Cherokee Chief Sitting Quietly. He’s trying to modernize some
of his tribal ways. He grunted, “What this country needs is a Drive-Thru Shaman.”

   Celebrity Rumor: Aging idols in Hollywood are becoming more politically active and
noisy. The catchy phrase for this comes from a favorite food meal extender. This is
gonna help lengthen a dying showbiz celebrity’s career. The political technique that
the stars use is Career Helper.  

   You can contact Clet Litter at


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