|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Crowds More Than Town Could Handle During 'Doughnut Week'
Hogspore didn’t forget Doughnut Week, starting the first Friday in June. Mayor Ringer
ordered that I avoid mentioning it since the crowds were more than we could handle.
We had 200 folks roll in from all over the state wanting to help us celerbrate the King
of Pastries. They had to turn away the visitors at the only boardinghouse in town,
Ma’s Flophouse for Show People Only. Ma was a burlesque entertainer in the day …
and most of the nights. Tourists tried to camp out in Winslow’s Holler. They decided
not to stay. Winslow’s Holler has the only Chamber of Commerce in the country with
an Unwelcome Wagon.
National news: Tina Turner is famous for singing, What’s Love Got to do With It,
originally titled, What the Heck Has that Gosh Darn Amour Have to do With the Price
of Tea in China. She has announced that she won’t be using her last name Turner, but
she can’t use Lady T, cause Mr. T’s spouse already took that one. She said, “Turner has
come to be associated with the menial serving and cooking of certain breakfast foods.
My public relations company suggested that I change my surname to Spatula, but I
overturned that. It would have caused too much of a flap. I will be known and perform
with a name like Elton or Cher.” We wish her well. It’s only my opinion, but I favor Tina
Elton a lot more than Tina Cher.
Mumford Pickens says he is an astute feller. Astute is the word he used, not me.
He keeps up with everything on the law, so he knows what he’s doing when the
revenuers visit him every two years. He was bragging, “I keep one attorney on
retainer just to fight off the guvernment trying to snag my rights to free enterprise.
I also have a frivolous lawsuit lawyer for my personal business. We recently received
$4.50 settlement for a restaurant faulty straw. We’re now working to find more parties
to join our lawsuit against a dishwasher for offering a dirty glass. Then it becomes a
glass action suit.”
Someone asked what I say when I’m happy. You might think I’m making this up,
so I have something more to talk about, but there really was someone who said that.
Even if that was a lie, it doesn’t matter. I can do anything I want to, cept if my wife tells
me not to. My favorite expression means that this is the best it can get. That’s when
I sez, “It’s better than butter.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
to you each week.