|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Widow Fester Writes Childrens Book
Widow Fenster has written another book, but this one is not a mystery thriller.
It‘s for children. The synopsis reads: It’s a fairy tale about love. The yarn takes place
around a beautiful garden, well-kept with many brightly colored flowers, with
vegetables and lettuce tossed in. A flower salad.
Near the garden is a spot where the weeds grow. Some folks don’t like the invaders,
but many enjoy cooking with them and making teas.
The main characters, two Burdock plants, reside in the sunny patch at the tree lines.
Hardy and Haley both thrive because they live behind a brick border edge, so the goats
can’t find them.
The couple eventually become best friends, with pollination benefits. When fall
comes, a gnome justice of the peace performs their marriage ceremony after midnight.
They soon go to seed but the story continues. The other squatters think the union won’t
last, but seasons fly by and the relationship becomes perennial. This is the saga of their
The Widow named her newest one, The Newlyweeds. Spoiler alert: The compatible
pair relocate to an organic farm and with their offspring, produce Burdock leaves and
roots for stir-fry recipes.
Mumford Pickens, the countywide supplier of untaxed whiskey, is working on a
curative. No alcohol is involved, but he won’t relate what’s in the recipe. He said,
“It will be a serious contender against that Red Bull tonic that them tie-wearing
fellers quaff down in Little Rock.”
Mumford’s slogan is, “Red Mule, the new energy drink with a kick. It puts a
Hardy Hee in your Haw.”
Here’s the lesson for day. There’s no lesson next week. I just didn’t know what
to call this one. “You can drive a man to drink, but you can’t make him sober.”
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
to you each week.