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Hogspore News
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2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                                   06-01-2020
                                                           Hogspore News
                                             By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
                                    Bean Bubble Breeze Can Beat the Heat

 Hogspore is getting warmer every day. It’s hot enough now to get the air conditioner
checked and pull out the box fans from the attic. We was so poor when I was a kid, that
we didn’t have box fans to keep cool when summer came. Us little fellers used to sit
next to Uncle Buckley after he finished a plate of beans. We had clothespins on our
noses, so we could enjoy Buckley’s bean bubble breezes for an hour or more. I don’t
remember him dying. I think he just passed.

  Morton Trubletoof had news to share this morning. He said, “Clet, I was out to the Big
WalStore on Highway 71. I weren’t expecting to see this, but they had toilet paper and
hand sanitizer there, so I put some in my cart. Feels good to pass on information.”

  I sez, “I appreciate hearing about that, but those items that you saw in the store’s
restroom are not sposed to be taken home.”

 Here’s some nature info on one of my favorite wildlife, the Opossum, (possum to most
folks). They taste mighty fine for supper, but they’re more useful if you leave them
alone, like Grandma after a snoot full. I hear tell that Possums eat thousands of ticks a
day. I’m not sure if that’s all of them together or just the one. My dog, Ol Slump, is
mighty grateful to chauffeur less ticks thanks to his buddy, Paddy. His name is Paddy
cause the O’Possum is originally from Ireland. If there was a pub for animals, the dogs
would be buying a pint out of gratitude for Paddy.

 Scientist Charles Darwin noted, (he was always taking notes), that the apostrophe in O’
Possum eventually developed into a prehensile tail. There ain’t much evidence for that,
cept for stories that Chuck held the tail to stir the possum whilst it was cooking in the
pot. Course, his scientific theory is falling out of favor about how we got here, looking
the way we do. But, there is one thing for certain. He made every animal he discovered
taste bodaciously scrumptious. Around town, they called him The Galapagos Gourmet.   

  I was telling Mumford Pickens about Paddy. He told me that his Pappy passed this on
to him years ago. Mumford said, “We once found a family of those critters living in our
Grandfather Clock. Pappy also suspected that those tick-eating varmints were
responsible for that clock running slow.”

  Old Man Grimely says, “If you ever think that you’re caught up, it’s cause you
forgot something.”

 You can contact Clet Litter at bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

                                                            
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