|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Pretend dining at a fine Hogspore restaurant
Most folks know that gyms are streaming free workouts so you can watch and
strain at home. A closed Hogspore restaurant is now airing an internet video so
you can pretend you’re dining in a fine restaurant. They trot out the real silverware,
a tablecloth, and a genuine check after the meal.
A re-employed-for-the-night waiter escorts the owner’s wife to a table. Chad says,
“Welcome, I’ll be your waiter.” Then he mumbles, “Only for tonight, then tomorrow,
no job again.” He’s efficient, friendly, and takes the order. He returns with her meal one
minute later. Something’s fishy about the speed of the service, but since she didn’t get
the salmon, we’ll let it go.
After the diner showed off her eating style, Chad cleared the table, brought the
dessert menu and a cup of coffee. She chose a slab of chocolate pie, (that’s the boss’s
Chad delivered the bill. She handed him a twenty, and he returned with the change,
along with a stale dinner mint. That was supposed to be the end but it ran on afterward
to reveal Chad returning the wife’s money.
I watched the video three times, and had a sandwich in front of me every time.
I think it worked cause I shore am ready for me and Punkin to set down to a nice
dinner, served by Chad, and right before we leave, get my money back.
Mean ol Harley Spears is suffering some financial difficulties. His crops aren’t panning
out this season and his boy needs a new pair of shoes. His feet are even too big to wear
his father’s old boots. Things are getting tighter for Harley and his son’s feet.
Harley started a side business to make some cash to see him through the year.
He has a birthday party package for youngins in Muleberry County. Harley has a
clown suit, makeup, and has learnt himself how to fashion balloon animals. He also
has a few magic tricks up his puffy sleeves.
It will be okay as long as his clients don’t recognize that the jester is really Ol Mean
Harley Spears. I wished him well when I saw him last, but I didn’t have the nerve to
suggest that he oughta change his name to something besides … Stalks the Clown.
Little Richard RIP
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com
to you each week.