|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Punkin chuckling, sharpening knives
I heard Punkin laughing for the first time since we started the hunker-down-at-home
policy. She was in the kitchen chuckling to herself while she was sharpening the butcher
knife. I slowly backed out of the room and left her alone.
Here’s a test for you. Read this dialogue and answer a question. “I met the new
neighbors. Joe seems like a nice guy. He got his learning out west, and he’s self-
employed. His wife works part-time at home and watches the children after school.”
Question: Was it a man or a woman that was speaking? About half of you will get it
right away. If you can’t figure it out, ask your spouse or your significant other … she
Most folks in Muleberry County don’t trust the Federal Guvernment, but they do trust
it always to do the wrong thing. Our town citizens believe in God, fishing as much as we
can, and raising our youngins to respect their elders, cept their immediate family. We
also accept Big Foot, Extra Terrestrials, and Robots. Everybody has encountered at least
one. Myself, I’ve seen all three and become friends with two of them. Heck, I think I
mighta married one.
Hardy Barkins was telling me about an outdoor zoo he visited in Mena, Arkansas.
He said, “They have a whole slew of animals. They got critters for each of the ABC’s.
That’s what we call the alphabet in Hogspore.
The rangers were having trouble keeping the critters at the proper social distancing at
the watering hole. Mr. Rhino would not wear his face mask. He revealed to the in-house
safari shrink that it made him feel emaskulated.
I gotta tell you that the best portion of the visit was when we toured the five acre
bird of prey caged aviary. There was a sideboard full of food for the raptors. Ranger Bob
called it the Owl You Can Eat Buffet. I learnt how to spell buffet by remembering having
the buffet with a tea at the Golden Compound. It’s French for strap on the old feed-
Mumford Pickens says, “If you never ask for what you need or want, don’t get mad
when you never get it.”
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
to you each week.