|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Vet Plans to Handle Exams by Phone
Morton Trubletoof didn’t know his father very well. His Pappy departed when he was
five. Morton was five, not his Pappy. Morton never saw him again. He remembers that
his Pappy was always acting silly. Turns out, he lived the rest of his life in an institution
for the criminally inane.
Veterinarian Doc Muley has a plan to handle exams on his phone. He is not giving up
visits to the farms to check on the larger animals, what need his help. But, for the
smaller critters, Doc has a tele-med visit procedure. That way he don’t catch nothing
from the owners. When I say “owners,” I mean the pet owners. I treat Sammule like a
pet, but mules are not pets. You can’t really own a mule. Living with a mule is like being
in love. They say that if your loved one wants to leave, then let her go. If she comes
back, then get a lawyer.
Folks keep asking about Widow Fenster, so here’s a history of the Widow: Belle was
the only child of Albert and Merla Adonna. They lived in a middle-class suburb of
Boston. Albert was a carpenter by trade, but that wasn’t his dream. He wanted to be a
banker, but lost a bad trade in a one-week marbles contest with his twin when they
were both seven. Actually, brother Alfred was born first, by 30 seconds, but the midwife
said, “That’s just splitting hairs.” Alfred later became the banker.
Belle Adonna wed the first boy who proposed. She coulda had any man around since,
by then, she was what they call a handsome woman. She married Joshua Wingate
Ringer, freshly mustered out of the army.
Belle Ringer worked as a seamstress whilst supporting Joshua through college and law
school. During his last year at Haaaaarvaaaaard, the couple added a baby boy to the
family, in the only fashion allowed at the time. The baby favored his daddy so much
that they named him Deighed Ringer.
The trouble with getting a college degree is that a feller gets to thinking. Joshua
abandoned his wife and son, and headed to Nevada to practice divorce law. Ex-wife
and little Deighed had to fend for themselves, but a huge divorce settlement helped.
She was, not only a most handsome woman, but she was also much more intelligent
than her former rambling husband.
It weren’t no time til Belle found Fred Fenster. They moved to the Ozarks Mountains
along with her son and opened a hardware store in a tiny town called Hogspore. When
they retired, they sold the shop to Max Bickum. Max died in his early 40s and left the
shop to Junior Bickum, who runs the store to this day. This means the day that you read
this … unless you also read it tomorrow.
When Fred Fenster finally finished functioning at 79, his widow was elegantly wealthy
and never had to worry about money again. Her son grew to be a rare Hogspore high
school graduate and has been Mayor Ringer for over twenty-six years. The Mayor ain’t
as pretty as his momma was and still is, but he’s just as smart. He’s still in office cause he
has something incriminating on every registered voter in town.
Mumford Pickens says, “One of the most important ideas that a true genius needs to
remember is to remain humble. Nobody appreciates a bragging genius.”
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
to you each week.