|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
New Computer Apparently Still Requires Electricity
Old Man Grimely bought a new computer that was supposed to be easy to use.
He said, “I had trouble getting my contraption running. Saturday, I was on my Jitterbug
cell phone for four hours with the tech support team from AARP helping with my Silver
Server. Apparently, you still have to plug it into an electrical outlet.”
Interesting fact: A Cyclops can never legally drive a car or truck. He’ll always fail
when the examiner instructs him to cover one eye and read the chart.
National News: The Carnival Cruise Line stopped limbo contests cause of their aging
cruisers. The only bar that you’ll find them under is in the ship’s lounge, unless the
entertainment magician is performing magic on stage. Owen, the Showman, a little
person with nothing up his sleeves cept his tiny arms, appreciates the older crowds.
Even though they can’t usually manage a standing ovation, it still seems like they did to
Owen. Recently, the passengers experienced another type of limbo while they waited
for two weeks to get approval to go ashore in Fort Lauderdale. That was probably
Carnival Cruise’s final float with their Old Codgers theme.
Tony’s Barbershop Think Tank got to work Friday afternoon. The members include
Tony, Mumford Pickens, Morton Trubletoof, Jimmy Suspenders, and me. The topic was
what grumpy gramps yell at the neighborhood kids. Here’s what the Barbershop boys
thought happens all over the world:
Atlanta, Georgia, “HYK, get off my concrete!”
Alaska, “HYK, get off my snow drift!”
Argentina, “HYK, stay off Uncle Adolph’s grave. The grass is turning Braun!”
Arkansas, “HYK, get off my still!”
China, “HYK, stop teasing my pet bats and anteaters!”
Dallas, Texas, “HYK, get off my grassy knoll!”
England, “HYK, get that dental floss away from my teeth!”
Florida, “HYK, get off my shuffleboard court!”
Germany, “HYK, get out of my Poland!”
Jamaica, “HYK, keep off my Ganja!”
Japan, “HYK, get out of my experimental radioactive garden!” Mexico,
HYK, get off my ancient ruins. Go play on your own monuments. These are Mayan!”
New York, HYK, fuhgeddaboudit!”
North Korea, “HYK, drag your dead parents off my lawn!”
Prince Edward Island, “HYK, get off my green gables!”
Russia, “HYK, get off my tundra!”
Samoa, “HYK, get those skate boards off my belly!”
Saudi Arabia, HYK, get off my sand!”
Venezuela, “HYK, stop stealing fresh strawberries that the government mandatory labor
laws forced your mother and father to grow!”
Mumford Pickens says, “If you have trouble making fun of yourself, don’t fret.
Your friends and family will do it for you.”
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
to you each week.