|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Social distancing practiced in Hogspore
The Hogspore First Non-Denominational Church of Backsliders and Mid-Week Sinners
held an outdoor Easter service with social distancing. It was rough on Junior Bickum
since he wasn’t able to hug any of the faith-based females. Mean ol Harley Spears was
there in the back. There weren’t no problems keeping away from him; everybody was
scared to get near him. The choir was maintaining their required distancing in front of
the river and behind Preacher Unfortunately, the tenors were standing in the shallows,
but they were loud and in tune. It was inspiring when the choir sang, “Wade in the
Water” and “Let's All Go Drown in The River.”
Last month, Jimmy Suspender was ranting about a business out on Highway 71.
He said, “I like to enjoy myself with the extra money that I earn from my side jobs.
So, I pull up to the place, there’s no trucks or cars in the parking lot, and the entrance
has a yellow sign that says, ‘Closed due to the Stay-At-Home Guidelines for the National
Health Emergency.’ It didn’t make sense. This business has practiced mandatory social
distancing for ten years. Since when did a strip club become non-essential?
I returned and was so disappointed about the closing. I complained to my wife about
it before I realized that she never actually knew that I occasionally frequented that fine
establishment. Now, Sara is observing our own mandatory social distancing policy, but
it don’t feel too social.”
My friend Mumford Pickens, unofficial untaxed whiskey producer and retired CIA
employee announced, "The news media wouldn’t cover a national event yesterday.
Even the Fox channel wasn’t there. The White House hosted the Annual Easter Egg
Hunt. Real eggs weren’t available, so they used multicolored plastic hollow embryos.
The state governors searched on the White House lawn for the hidden 50 fake eggs;
each one included an embossed Make America Great Again surgical grade face mask.
The New York governor was the only one that didn’t personally thank the President
for his gracious invitation to be a part of the celebration. When Governor Cuomo left,
he spoke to the President, ‘From one New Yorker to another, ya couldn’t give us a piece
of chocolate? Here’s the face mask I found. I think ya know where it should go; bada
bing, bada BUM.’”
Old Man Grimely’s young bride received a call from her doctor during this quarantine
with a warm caring message. It said, “Mrs. Grimely, if you need anything or have
questions about staying safe or what symptoms to look for, then give me a call.
If you want a prescription refilled, or for that matter, if you have any other concerns,
then please reach out to me ... anytime.” The advice really meant that the helpful
healer has to generate more income to pay his staff and to keep up the alimony
settlements for his five ex-wives. The fifth ex-wife didn’t get much. The only remaining
assets were a set of stainless soup spoons with Niagara Falls etched on them and a
Chuck E. Cheese coupon that expired in 6 days.
Grimely uses the same doctor, but he never got a call. He listened to the phone
message and was mad, until his youthful wife explained it to her ancient, but rich,
husband, “Last time I was at the office, I filled out a form for you that stated that you
want a Do Not Resuscitate noted on your medical chart. Cheer up, I’ll be okay. I have
the phone number for Larry’s Funeral Home on speed dial.”
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
to you each week.