The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                                     Hogspore News
                                                        By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
                                                         No surprise party for Punkin

   Punkin’s birthday is coming up. I already bought her present and I’m planning a birthday
party. It ain’t gonna be a surprise bash cause she don’t like surprises and there’s no secret-
anything in this piddling town. If a couple has a fight on Friday night, they get a brochure in
the mail on Monday from a divorce lawyer.

   I probably shouldn’t use the word divorce when discussing my wife, although some wives
might appreciate one of those, in place of a gift, cake, and ice cream. Later, she could buy all
the presents, cake, and ice cream that she has a hankering for, after a generous financial

   Local divorce attorney, Ruffert Pound, has an ecology-minded slogan, “Let us help with your
recycling problems.”   

   When owners from two different Muleberry County waste management companies
thought up the same idea to streamline their businesses, the proper way to describe it was,
“Great minds stink alike.”

   Here’s some updated personal information from Head Librarian, Shhhhhhhhhhhhhirley:  
“My life is an open book. Course, I’ve had my appendix taken out and several other pages are
missing. At least for holiday dinners, I set a nice Table of Contents. If you need me, you can
always page me. I’m available to speak to your group or club. Please book a meeting. I have
two talks prepared: How the Dewey Decimal System Changed My Life or Tips on Reading
Vertical Titles without Hurting Your Neck. Library etiquette means returning your books as
scheduled. We will be fine with that. This announcement was long overdue.”
   Mumford Pickens has something to say this week, “We have more time to reflect and
philosophize due to the virus stay at home guidelines. I saw a headline that read, ‘Suzanne
Somers Says She Wants to Pose Nude for Playboy (Again!) on Her 75th Birthday.’ At least if
she does get to pose again, the photographer won’t need additional studio lighting. The lit
candles on her blazing cake alone should be adequate. Here's what philosophical thought
came to mind: The Ego never ages.”

   You can contact Clet Litter at


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    No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.

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