|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Pickens review of untaxed brew
his product. Sometimes, he samples the brew and then sleeps for twelve hours. The next
morning, he writes down his dreams and thoughts from his hooch-induced reverie. Here’s
his latest idea, “The most peaceful and pleasant feeling experienced by two sentient
beings is when a baby is sleeping on its mother’s chest. This awareness races to the edge
of a wide, yawning, infinite cosmos, and returns in an instant.” It sounds kinda mushy to
me. When Mumford validates his illegal shine too much, he turns into a clod hopping
cornball Carl Sagan.
The Cosmetology School out on Highway 71 sponsored the Annual Beauty Pageant
last Saturday night with a grand prize of a full beauty school scholarship. It didn’t include
books, cosmetics, or a discount on the Kardashian line of clothing. Their slogan is “If you
fail an exam, we’ll offer a makeup test.”
The Cosmetology facility also furnished face masks for all the contestants, not to ward
off a disease, but cause the girls were not even on the same dictionary page as the word
Winner, Magnolia Meyerpie, is the younger sister of Essie Meyerpie, a former title-
holder. Magnolia won with a rousing rendition of the show tune “Oklahoma.” Her high-
stepping dance wowed the judges when both knees hitched up past her ears while
strutting and jumping across the stage.
National Sports News: It looks like ex-New England Patriots’ quarterback, Tom Brady,
is planning to play for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers football team. This should reduce
inflation in Florida. The Bucs also signed a rookie receiver, not for the lineup, but to assist
Tom with depositing his hefty salary and managing the Brady family finances. Brady’s two-
year contract is for 50 million dollars. Other perks make it worth 60 million. That’s more
than a newspaper columnist makes.
Old Man Grimely was listening to a talk radio show about the Covid-19 virus. He said,
“I haven’t heard any update for five minutes, so I better check again.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.