The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                                     Hogspore News
                                                          By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
                                                        Pickens review of untaxed brew

        Mumford Pickens, rumored un-taxed whiskey producer, always quality control tests
    his product. Sometimes, he samples the brew and then sleeps for twelve hours. The next
    morning, he writes down his dreams and thoughts from his hooch-induced reverie. Here’s
    his latest idea, “The most peaceful and pleasant feeling experienced by two sentient
    beings is when a baby is sleeping on its mother’s chest. This awareness races to the edge
    of a wide, yawning, infinite cosmos, and returns in an instant.” It sounds kinda mushy to
    me. When Mumford validates his illegal shine too much, he turns into a clod hopping
    cornball Carl Sagan.

        The Cosmetology School out on Highway 71 sponsored the Annual Beauty Pageant
    last Saturday night with a grand prize of a full beauty school scholarship. It didn’t include
    books, cosmetics, or a discount on the Kardashian line of clothing. Their slogan is “If you
    fail an exam, we’ll offer a makeup test.”

        The Cosmetology facility also furnished face masks for all the contestants, not to ward
    off a disease, but cause the girls were not even on the same dictionary page as the word

        Winner, Magnolia Meyerpie, is the younger sister of Essie Meyerpie, a former title-
    holder. Magnolia won with a rousing rendition of the show tune “Oklahoma.” Her high-
    stepping dance wowed the judges when both knees hitched up past her ears while
    strutting and jumping across the stage.

        National Sports News: It looks like ex-New England Patriots’ quarterback, Tom Brady,
    is planning to play for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers football team. This should reduce
    inflation in Florida. The Bucs also signed a rookie receiver, not for the lineup, but to assist
    Tom with depositing his hefty salary and managing the Brady family finances. Brady’s two-
    year contract is for 50 million dollars. Other perks make it worth 60 million. That’s more
    than a newspaper columnist makes.

        Old Man Grimely was listening to a talk radio show about the Covid-19 virus. He said,
    “I haven’t heard any update for five minutes, so I better check again.”

        You can contact Clet Litter at


        Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be
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        No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.

        Largo, Florida
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