|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Clet wasn't bothered by time change
The time change didn’t affect me. I had no problems when the clock jumped forward one
hour Sunday morning. We don’t use an alarm. I get up with the rooster every day, and no,
I don’t sleep with him. He used to crow at 4 AM. After he passed on, I slept in late the next
morning. It was either cause he didn’t squawk or it mighta been the three helpings of him
I ate the night before at supper. He was mighty tasty, but chewy. The new rooster was just
an unfledged feller, hardly out of the eggshell, when he saw the old one grace our table.
After seeing what happened, he wouldn’t crow too early, even if an ample asteroid lighting
up the night sky, hurtled toward the good folks, (and bad ones too), of Muleberry County.
This is why you should never pay your bills in advance, in case a space torpedo thing happens.
National News: A gentleman called Mad Mike took his last rambling rocket ride. His launch
pad accidentally tore away his parachute. He claimed to be a scientist. He was really a self-
taught engineer. The first person to discover dynamite was also a self-taught engineer. At
least he kept notes for his assistant to claim the discovery, after his boss’s funeral. I said
“he” cause only a male would experiment with something that could probably kill him.
Mad Mike espoused a belief that the world was flat. (My editor pays an extra nickel when
I use the word “espoused”). I’ll bet it felt like the earth was flat when Rocket Man hit the
Duncan Winslow was complaining about not enjoying the easy life in Winslow’s Holler.
They don’t have telephone, cell phone, or internet service. They do have water, sewer, and
indoor toilet comfort … mostly. He said, “We finally got Holler Waiting a few years back, but
I miss television the most.” For Duncan, a TV is a View-Master and a Mason jar of moonshine.
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