|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Lifelong Hogspore resident dies
Quinton B. Driver passed away last week. He was a lifelong resident of Hogspore who spent
55 years toting students to school. He drove many generations of families. Some were served
for longer periods than others cause their children mighta been slightly un-gifted.
The whole community will honor our beloved school bus driver. The kids lovingly called
him Mr. Buster, and according to the obituary, he would brag that he never had an accident.
However, his family didn’t mention the accidental tumble in the outhouse, just before he
took his leave from this earth.
Buster was a huge supporter of Hogspore High and the Rooters teams. He also enjoyed
playing cards and yelling at the neighbor kids to stay off the lawn.
The services are this Friday at Larry’s Funeral Parlor and Assisted Living Facility. His coffin is
a custom bright yellow school bus casket fabricated by the High School Shop Class. The family
requests that, in lieu of flowers, close friends donate to their household fund for an indoor
Buster’s sister, Ima Baker, taught Home Economics. She died of natural causes on retirement
day a year ago. The pupils didn’t love her the way they loved her brother. They cremated her
right there in the Home Economics Classroom and scattered the ashes
onto the parking lot.
When wagon trains moved west and come up on a mammoth boulder blocking their path,
did they do like we do today? “Hey, what’s going on? Who rolled that boulder into the middle
of the trail? What do we have a territorial government for, if they won’t keep the trails clear?
I’m gonna write a letter to the editor if we ever find a town that actually has a newspaper.”
Hardy Barkins was telling me about an incident. He said, “I picked up my black sports coat
from the dry cleaners and it had stains all over it. I kinda suspect that they rented out my
jacket to another feller. Sheriff Combover wrote a report on it. I contacted him for an update.
Sheriff added that the investigation was still ongoing, but it looked like wedding cake icing was
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.