The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                                     Hogspore News
                                                         By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
                                              Cousin Jim gets "Wi-Fir" internet service

   Cousin Jim lives in the woods. He comes into town every so often. His brood of kinfolks
thrives out there with him. He recently built a water wheel in a creek behind his cabin to
generate electricity. He’s also got satellite internet service. His satellite dish sits at the top of
a Fir tree. He calls it Wi-Fir. He said, “I’m watching a lot of them reality shows, trying to reap
some sophistication.

   My clan ain’t ready to move into civilization yet. They’re afraid that city people are gonna
mock them for their backwoods manners and customs. Our people are a real close-knit bunch
and every so often cousins will marry each other and raise a family. They don’t marry sisters
and brothers or parents since all the cousins are so young and good-looking.”

   I believe some of those reality programs are rubbing off on Jim cause he describes his kinfolk
as “Kinder Fluid.” I can relate to what he says. Come Thanksgiving, I get so tired of my own
family that I start to identify as Transkinder myself.

   Folks here know that grass-fed cattle make better meat with more vitamins. In Muleberry
County, cattle roam in pastures. When they give birth, they receive six weeks maternity leave.
After that, the calf goes on formula. The cows also receive prenatal care that includes a
birthing class called the LaMoos Method.

   The entire herd has a get-together once a week for fellowship. Most of them bring potluck to
share. The most popular dish is the sorghum casserole. A few years after the cows reach full
maturity, they have access to professional counselors to talk out making those difficult end-of-
life decisions. Cremation is never an option, not even when a barbeque grill is involved.

   Congress has set aside two million dollars to study if there will be a future need for zip codes
in space. Evidently, our astronauts are not receiving their mail at the space station. Maybe the
Russians are reading it first and then eating it.

   The newspaper editor suggested that I “reach out” to readers in a younger demographic
to increase circulation. So here it is, “Goo-goo, da-da, ma-ma.” Here’s something for the older
demographics too: “To increase circulation, you just gotta get out there and walk a little more.”

   You can contact Clet Litter at


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   Largo, Florida
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