The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                                      Hogspore News
                                                         By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
                                             Republicans celebrating, Democrats fuming

   It was President’s Day yesterday. The Republicans were celerbrating the impeachment
acquittal while the Democrats were fuming. The Democrats were not really mad. It’s the
same as professional wrestling matches or opposing attorneys in court. They just take turns

   There are rare moments when two complete independent systems merge, like a lunar
eclipse in the middle of an Alison Krauss concert or a husband and wife agreeing on anything.
Same thing happened on Valentine’s Day. It was the third Friday in February, so we also
celerbrated Bring Your Mule to Work Day.

   Things were fine until the Winslow’s mule, Bertram, sneaked into Muriel’s Valentine’s
chocolates medley. Husband Duncan works the farm with Bertram, so he was already at work
too. Duncan thought he was gonna be in trouble since it was his pet mule that ate the candy.
But, Muriel blamed the entire thing on Bertram. The mule is now sleeping on the couch and
not with the Winslow’s in the bedroom.
   Harley Spears was talking whilst he was loading his buckboard with monthly supplies from
Bickum’s Hardware. He was in a right cheerful mood. Harley is rarely mistaken for a congenial
game show host. That’s why we call him mean ol Harley Spears … behind his back is when we
do that.   

   He said, “Clet, it was only me and my teenage son, Jingles, living outside of town for the
last four years. I’ve been pining for more family, so I sent away for one of them mail-order
inflatable grandmothers. I bought her, so I wouldn’t feel so lonely when I was having my
morning coffee in the kitchen. She sits at the table with me.

   She’s realistic looking and arrived in the box wearing a pale yellow summer dress with
a blue and white checkered gingham apron. Once I got the old girl pumped up to the correct
air pressure, she still had the same wrinkles that my real granny had. The best part is that
when Jingles gets to high school, balloon grandma can go with him to the senior prom. If he
wants to make her look like a teenager, then he adds an extra ten pounds of pressure and the
wrinkles smooth out.

   I miss my real grandmother. My mamma’s mother was always looking out for us children
while Mamma and Pappy toured county fairs in the summer with their Pitch-a-Quarter-in-the-
Fine-China-Plates booth. The dishes set em back a nickel a plate wholesale.”

   The newest family member must be going well, cause Harley kept rattling on. He said,
“Somebody gave me one of them DNA test kits for Christmas. I think they was trying to settle
a bet of where I’m from, but I used it on Granny instead. It turns out that her ancestors come
from the Brazilian rain forest and Akron, Ohio.

   I had some strife with my artificial Mema a month ago. She wanted to get a job to earn some
spending money. There was a time when she was baby-sitting five youngins in my house. We
sat down one night and I proceeded to air out my grievances with my inflatable grandmother.
She yelled out as how she’d been under a lot of pressure taking care of kids. The argument got
so bad that, finally, she just blew up.”

   You can contact Clet Litter at


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   Largo, Florida
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