|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Chihuahuas taken off dangerous breeds list
Ballerina Day, February 2, (Tutu), was Sunday. Information on insignificant calendar detail
allows readers to keep on their toes.
Homeowners in Muleberry County can now get liability coverage for their pet Chihuahuas.
The insurance companies have removed Chihuahuas from the dangerous breeds category.
The fine print: There will be exclusion waivers that do not cover any dog bites above the knee,
no child is covered anywhere on their body under the age of 12, (the child’s age, not the
Chihuahua’s), and no letter carriers at all.
Private shippers like Fed-Ex and UPS can claim damages from tiny dog bites, since they
perform some actual useful service to the public. Sorry postal workers, but you sorta already
know that it’s true. You saw the warning when they discontinued stamps that you could lick.
Jimmy Suspenders was commenting on how the days are getting longer. He said, “Or maybe
it only feels that way since I’ve been married so long.”
Pie Week continues through Thursday. Today is Salute to Strudel Day. I started out too
fast with Pie Week Friday and had bad dreams that night. I dreamed I was Captain Lard
commissioned to wipe out the last remaining can of Crisco in the world. At first, the Crisco can
got the upper hand, (the can had a hand), and sliced me with a sharp edge. I came at it with a
flamethrower that evidently was growing out of my right arm. The shortening melted and then
burst into the most delicious smelling flame. I woke up in a puddle of grease, but I felt proud
that civilization was safe again for Lard.
The Generic Feminine Protection Factory on Clear Creek closed for their month vacations
for employees. Actually, it’s a paid 28-day leave. Yes, they are making everyone return on
February 29. The president’s secretary is the only one that also gets the 29th off, but that’s
cause she pulled some strings.
It was Groundhog Day yesterday but folks are mostly sick of him. He’s even on the
unconcerned list for endangered species. He’s really just a fat squirrel. Stupid Woodchuck
Whistlepig. There’s gonna be six more weeks of winter after the Groundhog spotted Bill
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.