|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Time to roll out the piecrusts
Pie Week rolls out this Friday, but the piecrusts begin their roll out earlier. The library is
offering official calibrated rolling pins for those in need. The Library Drive Through Lane will be
open after dark on Wednesday and Thursday night for those who are embarrassed about not
owning a rolling pin. Town Council recently voted to rename the library’s “Drive Thru Lane” to
“Drive Through Lane” cause of the signed petition from the members of the Parent-teacher
Association, formerly the PTA.
Mayor Ringer will host the pie-tasting contest on Sunday afternoon in the Town Rectangle
Park in front of city hall. The Mayor announced that any berry was eligible for the competition
but did say that he was feeling “very raspberryish” this year.
Rebecca Stillhere and Ronald Notch are getting married next month. Most of you have
met them. They are the business owners of Hogspore Masonry Services and Origami Supplies.
You can find their names registered at Bickum’s Hardware. The only gift left on the two
masons’ wish list is a set of His and Hers Trowels.
Orthodontist Brace Gumm’s sister, Paula, has moved here. She is a licensed dental hygienist
and is working with her brother. Dr. Gumm said, “She’s my kid sister and moved here to marry
her boyfriend. She never really liked the family name Gumm and was gonna change it when
she was hitched.
But, she has decided that after getting married she’s gonna keep her maiden name.
Paula is engaged to hometown boy, Dennis Dent.”
Everybody knows and respects the first responders in our community like the police and
ambulance personnel, but especially the 5:00 AM bakers at Donald’s Doughnuts. Mumford
Pickens added, “Funeral Directors are now called Last Responders.”
Talking about Donald’s Doughnuts reminds me of what Morton Trubletoof thought when
he saw Donald’s Doughnuts. He said, “I wouldn’t stop there for the longest time cause there
was a neon sign with the orange letters, “DD,” surrounded by purple lights. What with the
double D, it took me a while to realize that it was not a gentlemen’s club.”
What do we call a loan of money in my family? Gone.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.