|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Room temperature can wreck a marriage
The wife, Punkin, is always checking the heat in the living room. When it is too cold …
she kicks on the heater. I had to proceed carefully cause this is something that can wreck a
marriage, like poverty or leaving the cap off the toothpaste. I sez, “That low reading just
means that the immediate area near the thermometer is 55 degrees. If you want to be warm,
you could hang out as far from the thermostat as you can get. It probably is warmer in other
parts of the house.”
Punkin politely said, “I’ll consider what you say.” She might consider it, but she keeps on
turning up the thermostat anyway. I think she was right, cause it’s still pretty cold in our
National News: Noah’s Ark Theme Park in Williamstown, in Grant County in Kentucky, between
Nineveh and Bethlehem on I Am The Way 75 has been open for a while now.
Call corporate for franchise information.
Here’s what they say about themselves, “Travel back in time thousands of years and
witness the same dimensions found in the Bible without the need of a time machine. The Ark
encounter will take your breath away,” (so will drowning). “It’s roughly the size of a football
field." They didn’t really play football since their diet wouldn’t allow them to toss the ol pigskin
The playground offers a zoo with real animals, even a couple of unicorns from Michael
Jackson’s closed Neverland Ranch. You should go, specially if you can’t visit the Middle East.
And, who wants to travel to the Middle East till they finish remodeling the place?
Noah’s Ark Park has the biggest pool in the world, but it ain’t for swimming. The name
is The 40-Day Treading Water Experience. Don't miss the shopping district, Drowntown.
The barbershop has a sign: “Two barbers, No Wading.” Get there before the rainy season
starts. When the rain begins, all the tall hotels will be flooded with reservations.
Other National News: Impossible Foods, which makes meatless beef and pork, is gonna
start offering meatless road kill. It’s just tofu with tire tread marks on it.
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.