|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Hogspore shoves pumpkin off city hall roof to end year
Happy New Year. First, let’s clear up some things: The decade ends on December 31, 2020,
a gasoline price is not $2.39. It is $2.39 and 9 tenths, and a husband is never right.
Another pumpkin gave its life first thing in the morning of January 01, 2020. Most towns
celebrate with a ball that drops slowly in the last few seconds of the year. Here in Hogspore,
we merely shove a pumpkin off the City Hall roof at midnight, so we can get on with the party,
till the only critter moving without stumbling is a strutting crowing rooster.
We got the annual Elementary School Spelling Bee coming this Friday. Principal Imogene
Scoggins has added hyphenated words to the mix. The judges are still debating whether the
contestants have to say the word “hyphen” or spell it out, h-y-p-h-e-n.
The music teacher will open the show with fifth graders singing, “Hyphen Working on the Rail-
Jimmy Suspenders was relating a story about Christmas Eve. He said, “I thought I heard Santa
Claus late that night. I headed outside to investigate the situation. It was cold out and snowing.
I know that nobody will believe what I saw. I saw three delivery vehicles on my roof, A UPS
van, a Fed-Ex truck, and an Amazon Prime lorry. The drivers had just pushed a jolly looking elf
feller off the chimney. Santa was lying in the snow behind the house, but he looked like he was
gonna be ok. His sleigh was circling back over to rescue him. The deliverymen were busy
repacking Santa’s bag of toys into their own company boxes.”
I seen the police report later. It was suspicious cause Jimmy didn’t mention seeing any flying
reindeer. The last line said, “Alcohol may have been involved in Mr. Suspender’s version."
Larry’s Assisted Living Facility has a special deal available for residents and any future
residents: Ten percent discount if you agree to hang a “Do Not Resuscitate” sign on your
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