|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Show gratitude for relatives returning to their homes far, far, far away
I hope you visited with relatives and friends this season. It’s a time to show gratitude,
especially for the ones that have to return to their homes far, far, far away for at least
Tony’s Barbershop is open after the holidays. His stove is broken so the Barbershop Think
Tank stays bundled up, cept for Hardy Barkins. He never wears a coat or hat. He told me his
secret a while back. Hardy said, “I don’t like the feel of jackets or caps just to keep warm.
When cold weather comes on, I go sit in a pediatrician’s waiting room for one morning.
Then, I can run a low-grade fever through the whole winter.”
Friday, the Think Tank was discussing ancestor’s junk food. Jimmy Suspenders brought up
what the pilgrims on the Mayflower used for snacks: Cinnamon hardtack and rat jerky.
We reckoned that the original astronauts chomped down on bananas. Once humans began
space travel, they had anti-gravity parties with Tang Coolers. When Neil Armstrong stepped
onto the moon, (some say it was the drummer from Pink Floyd, but they are wrong), Neil said,
“One small step for man, one giant Moon Pie for Mankind.” Future Astronauts will munch on
Milky Ways and Mars Bars.
I forgot who mentioned the western pioneers, but here’s what they snacked on: Honey Scat
Taffy, Chisholm Trail Mix, Antelope Rinds, and Rocky Road Candy.
The folks from Wuthering Heights enjoyed a treat of Heathcliff Bars.
I read an advertisement for a financial planning seminar. It featured a guest speaker,
(licensed agent), along with free personal budget assessments and door prizes. It also
included the chance to hear some helpful advice. What other kind of advice would you
ever want, except helpful advice?
We should deal with advice the way we do with vampires. According to legend, which is
about the same as the truth, before a vampire can enter your home, you must invite him in
first. So, before anybody gives you advice, you would have to first request that advice. And
don’t even get me started on friendly advice. The only rule for giving friendly advice is …
Do Not Give It.
The days after Christmas Day til New Year’s Day are magic time. Turn your clocks off and
remove your watches. Enjoy this period without fretting about who loved their presents or
whether you’re pleased with what gifts you got. This is recess, no seat belts. Freely roam about
National News: Conversation overheard on the Senate floor. Senator 1, “I concur with your
decision to vote ourselves another pay raise.” Senator 2, “I’m glad we agree and that we are on
the same page.”
Mumford Pickens says, “Our politicians are behaving like two-year olds who keep missing
Hogspore folks wish all of you a most happy New Year, even if you don’t live here.
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
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